𝐕𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐮𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐒𝐰𝐞𝐞𝐭 𝐀𝐫𝐨𝐦𝐚 | ✔

𝐂𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝟐𝟔

-CHARM-

Deep breath in.

Deep breath out.

"How are you today, Charm?" Doc Vlad asked as he was seated in his swivel chair while I was comfortably lying down on the sofa bed in his office.

"Managing po Doc" I replied with my eyes still shut. Reminding myself to endure the negative things in life and just breathe.

Stress is inevitable. It's a permanent part of our life. Nasa saatin nalang kung paano natin ito imamanage.

In my case, I haven't always approached life normally. I was impulsively emotional, I had anger issues.

Hindi ko ma-kontrol ang aking mga emosyon kaya minsan I do things na hindi ko alam na hindi pala tama.

Way back when I was a still a kid, my father would always abuse me physically. He would beat me up whenever I go home late. He would beat me up kapag walang pagkaen na naluto. Sometimes he beats me up with no underlying reason.

Hindi halata ang mga pasa ko dahil lagi akong nagsusuot ng long sleeve turtleneck saka jogging pants. The bruises healed eventually but the mental pain I experienced did not.

Ilang beses ako nagsusumbong kay mama noon. I cried every time I told her what my father was doing to me, but she told me to just be strong. Father would also beat her up, until such time na nagkasakit na si mama dahil sa mga ginagawang kagaguhan ni papa.

Learned helplessness.

In psychology, learned helplessness is a state that occurs after a person has experienced a stressful situation repeatedly. They come to believe that they are unable to control or change the situation, so they do not try — even when opportunities for change become available.

Ayan si mama, sa araw araw na pagbubugbog ni papa, ni minsan hindi pumalag si mama. Ang sabi niya saakin ay kasalanan niya din daw kung bakit nagkakaganito si papa.

I learned to accept the pain by placing pain to the pests in our house. Feeling ko ay nawawala ang mga masasakit na pagbugbog saakin ni papa kapag nasasaktan ko ang mga daga sa bahay.

I displaced my anger towards these nasty creatures. 

Wala silang magawa, hindi sila lumalaban. 

Parang ako kay papa.

Noong iniwan kami ni papa dahil sa ibang babae ay hindi ako nalungkot, but my mother was devastated. She loved dad so much na she became too dependent on him, kaya nung umalis si papa ay sobra itong nalungkot.

Naging tulala si mama at namayat din siya dahil hindi masyadong kumakaen. I tried to take care of her, but it wasn't enough. She needed medical attention and medications which at that time, I wasn't able to provide.

Pumunta ako sa pinakamalapit na hospital at humingi ng tulong sa mga tao doon. Dahil siguro sa itsura ko kaya hindi nila ako inaasikaso. I looked like a beggar who hadn't bathe for many months.

Nasa labas ako ng hospital, umiiyak. Lahat ng pumapasok ay hinihingan ko ng tulong pero wala manlang nag kusang huminto at tulungan ako.

I saw a rat run towards the garden. Pinunasan ko ang mga luhang kumawala sa aking mata at hinabol iyon. Galit na galit akong tumakbo patungo sa daga. Nang mahuli ko ito ay pinagsasaksak ko ng ballpen.

"Kasalanan mo lahat ng ito papa!" I cried while stabbing the helpless rat.

"Kasalanan mo ito!" Hindi tumigil ang luha sa aking mata kahit alam kong wala ng buhay ang kawawang daga.