Watch Us Crash and Burn

Chapter 25} Test of Fate: Dawn's POV

This week has been nice. I've shot down one deer because we need food. I haven't had my period yet. We've been here for a month now and it's pretty suspicious. I can't believe it though. there are more natural disasters happening all the time, but we're ok.

After breakfast one morning, I decided to ask the question that's been haunting my mind.

"How are your periods? normal?" I ask, nervous. This is my second missed one.

"Very normal, just starting my second one since arriving here," Trilly replies, not looking up from the stick she's carving.

"Same as Trilly. Why, what about you?" Gwen tells me

"Well I've missed two," I tell the two of them.

"Your blood sugar and iron leaves are probably down a lot, you eat the least out of the four of us." Trilly half-diagnosed me. I nod.

"Hey doll," Nikko says. He just woke up and his hair is a mess.

"Hello shorty," I say, leaning over to kiss him.

"I'm not that short," he retorts.

"Nikko, I'm below the average female height. You're the fudging same height as me." I say, in a very serious tone. Everyone breaks out laughing. I start to feel weird. Either I'm crazy or I'm one month pregnant, or... both. I'm worried I should eat more. I feel lightheaded and dizzy most days.

"I'm going deer hunting," I announced to the group.

"Can I join? I should get more practice in" Nikko asks.

"Sure baby," I tell him. I grab his hand and we walk out.

"I think I'm pregnant," I said very sternly to him as we were walking.

"Very funny, doll," he says.

"There's a problem with that. I'm not kidding," I tell him, looking right into his eyes. One is baby blue and the other is a caramel brown color. I tip his cowboy hat up and lean in for a kiss. He kisses me back. We break apart and he takes my hands in his own.

"I love you. And I've been thinking about what you said when we were fighting that one time. I think I'm bisexual or something under that term. And also, I never want you to get hurt. I'll protect you at all costs." Nikko says, very seriously.

After we kill a deer we go home and everyone eats a lot. Even me. I excuse myself and go to the bathroom. I feel sick. I look in the mirror, noticing that I've gained more weight and more of a stomach, Despite the fact I barely eat most days. It's due to the eating disorder I developed in 7th grade and have never escaped from. Also, the fact that we ration food in the arena.

I remember when a boy and his friends jumped me, beat me up, and called me ugly and fat. I started starving myself after that. I also acquired my emergency pocket knife. Back then it was used for self-harm and I hid it in a shoe box under my bed. I brought it here to the arena. I started carving my skin in seventh grade. One cut read, in really tiny letters: 'you are ugly, fat, and nobody wants you' into my inner left thigh. It was Quoting those bullies. I also got my first tattoo machine and started tattooing myself as another way of self-harm. I tattooed over the cut in letters on my thigh, and now they are written in dark red ink. I bought it with my own money. The summer before 9th grade, I tattooed myself and Gwen too.

Back to now, I'm searching through the bathroom. It's nice that all the cabinets have stuff in them. I finally found a single unexpired pregnancy test. I pee on it and wait, emotions filling and consuming me.

I am filled with doubt, guilt, anger, sadness, and fear. It's complete heck. What if I kill the baby by accident? What if I'm a bad mom? What if Nikko dies and I have to raise the baby alone? What will everybody think? I remember my mother called Gwen and me mistakes because we were. A faulty IUD, I think she said. Therefore I am a literal mistake. She was yelling at me as a child and yelled 'I wish the IUD would have worked. If it did I won't be stuck with two dumb stupid daughters.' She smacks me across the face. I started to cry. I remember both of my parents strongly abusing me as a child.

I was always a disappointment to them. Never good enough, no matter what I did. No matter how many touchdowns I scored, or people I pinned, or bulls eyes I shot. I was never good enough.

When I see the results of the test I cry. This can't be happening. I sob. I punch the wall, leaving indents. I'm pregnant, I'm fudging pregnant. I get so frustrated I hit the mirror. I'm scared, I don't know what the heck to do. I'm terrified. I sit on top of the closed toilet seat, staring at the test. This can't be real.

He's the first guy I've ever had consensual sex with, kinda. I'm a gay stripper, not a mother. What if I die? Or better yet... What if I live? What about Olivia? Olivia. I think about the fact I put us on hold in case I died. What if Nikko and I live, then what about Olivia? It's a lot to think about.

This is the most terrified I've Probably ever been. I don't know what to do. I leave the test on the toilet seat and take a second swing at the mirror, shattering it. It's very loud and it comes down crashing. I get cuts on my hand and face from it.

That's when Gwen comes running and opens the door, to see me crying on the floor holding my test. I rock back and forth on the floor, Crying, blood dripping down my face.

My left-hand knuckles are bruised and broken open from hitting the drywall. The other hand is covered in blood and glass.

I cautiously think that I'm going to be eating for two so now I need to eat more. Trilly, Gwen, and Nikko run into the room. I show all of them the test and they gasp.