A Family Podcast (english)

Chapter 6

Thea

Lost in thought, I stared out the window. The trees were barely visible in the darkness. I didn't know what to do. Bringing Taylor here had not been a good idea. I could have lied and just disappeared back into bed, or gone for a jog around the block instead of bringing him to this place. But a part of me wanted him to know. I understood that it wasn't entirely safe, and my fear of the dark didn't make it any easier. But being afraid of creepy people or the darkness felt normal. Many people were afraid, and no one would judge me for it.

And on days like today, when everything became overwhelming, I preferred to focus on just one thing. And if it was the fear of the dark, the rest wouldn't feel as intense, and once I was home, I would usually be so exhausted that I would fall asleep immediately.

But how should I explain it to Taylor? I hadn't thought about that.

I turned away from the window and reached for my cocoa. Barnes had made it just the way I liked it. Lots of cream, sprinkles, marshmallows, and cinnamon. It tasted just right, but it also reminded me of all the nights I had drunk it. I felt the pressure behind my eyes building up. Don't cry, I thought, and instead focused on my breathing and the warm feeling of the cocoa in my hands.

Suddenly, Taylor gently reached for my hand and gave it a light squeeze. It was a silent request, and I looked up. There was concern and irritation in Taylor's gaze, but also something that made me feel like he understood. Maybe not everything, but not as little as I had expected.

"I..." I cleared my throat. "I sometimes come here."

Taylor nodded slowly, his gaze wandering around the room. It lingered on the two older men before turning back to me.

"In the middle of the night?" he asked softly. I waited for him to continue. Something like "Are you insane?" or "What were you thinking?" But he didn't say anything more.

I shrugged uncertainly. "I don't know."

Now Taylor smiled, but it didn't seem very convincing. "You don't know if you go to this bar in the middle of the night? Then maybe I should be even more worried than I thought."

I smiled cautiously too, but only briefly. Taylor already had enough stress. And now he had to worry about me as well.

"You don't have to worry," I finally replied, withdrawing my hand from his and reaching for the cocoa instead, taking a big sip.

"Of course not," Taylor murmured, looking at his hands. We remained silent for a while until Taylor spoke again. "Why?"

I sighed. There it was. The one question I didn't know how to answer.

"I'm not sure, really. It just kind of happened" I said restlessly, shifting back and forth. Taylor furrowed his brow.

"Sometimes I can't sleep. I really don't know how to explain it, but I just can't stand being in my room. So, I go outside, and because it was boring to sit in our garden all the time, I started walking around. Not far!" I quickly added when I saw Taylor paling. "Just around our block. Eventually, there were more people out, and I didn't want them to see me, so I started walking up the small forest path and found this bar. It was winter back then, so it was really cold. That's why I went in. Seriously, I wouldn't have done it otherwise. I just wanted to warm up for a moment. And Barnes was really nice to me. He makes this delicious cocoa, I have no idea what he puts in it, but there are sprinkles... and cream and... marshmallows?" I had become quieter and looked at Taylor overwhelmed. He looked really exhausted. "Are you okay?" I asked hesitantly, and Taylor took a deep breath.

"Yeah... yeah. Just give me a moment to digest the fact that my little sister has been wandering around alone at night for at least..." Taylor did some mental calculations and became even paler, if that was possible. "half a year to drink cocoa in a bar."

I nodded slowly. It was probably not a good time to tell him that it had been going on for longer than half a year. Taylor let his head sink into his hands and groaned.

"Oh God, do you have any idea what could have happened?"

"I thought it would be better not to think about it" I tried to make a joke, but Taylor lifted his head abruptly and stared at me.

"Sorry" I mumbled and lowered my head. I knew how crazy it sounded, but it was the only way I had found to get through those nights.

We drank our cocoa in silence while Taylor pondered. I pretended he was thinking about the next football game or about Callie. Anything but me. I quickly finished my drink and was about to slide off the bench to get this uncomfortable moment over with as soon as possible, but Taylor held me back. I slowly sat back down and looked at Taylor expectantly. He studied me for a moment before speaking.

"Why can't you sleep?" I bit my lip.

"I mean, I don't know," Taylor rubbed the back of his neck. "When I can't sleep, I just turn over to the other side, and that's it. But that doesn't seem to be an option for you if you'd rather go outside. I mean, I've never seen you voluntarily go anywhere dark. So, what are you more afraid of than the darkness?"

I hesitated. I didn't want to talk about it. The whole thing was so uncomfortable, not to mention that I didn't even understand myself what kept me awake.

Taylor sighed and nodded before pushing himself off the bench and reaching out a hand to me.

"Come on, let's go home" he murmured, and I gratefully accepted his help. We walked back in silence. It was only when I sat on my bed to take off my shoes that Taylor came into my room again. He sat down next to me on the edge of the bed, and I looked at him nervously. I had a suspicion about what he wanted to say, and I didn't like it at all.

"Listen, I know you're not doing this without a reason, but I don't want you wandering around alone at night" Taylor said.

I felt panic spreading within me. I needed it. "Please, Taylor, you can't forbid me. I..." I stuttered.

"I know," Taylor interrupted me. "You wouldn't do it if there was another way, but we'll have to find a different solution because this isn't an option."

I was about to protest when Taylor continued. "And until we find something, you're coming to me, okay?"

Confused, I looked at Taylor. "What do you mean?"

"If you have to run around in the middle of the night to find your peace, then so be it, but you won't do it alone. And I mean it, if I catch you sneaking out in the middle of the night again, you'll be on house arrest until you're of legal age. Sooo... if there's another one of those nights, you come to me, and I'll accompany you."

In a trance-like state, I nodded, and Taylor kissed my hair before getting up. He wanted to accompany me? I had expected many things, but certainly not that.

"Taylor?" Taylor turned around one more time, and I bit my lip. "Thank you!"

With a smile, Taylor closed the door.