Moral Devotions

28| Declan

"Do you ever think about having more kids?"

"Mm, sometimes," Macy answers softly. Her fingers comb through my hair gently as she lays on top of me. "Did you want kids?" I tense underneath her, and she feels it. "Declan?"

I sigh before admitting the truth. "No."

Macy pushes herself off me. "No?"

I sit up and shake my head. "No. I didn't."

"And what about now?" I shrug and she frowns. "Are you forgetting that I have a kid?"

I shake my head. "It's not like that."

"Well, then what's it like? You just told me you don't want kids."

"No, I said I didn't." I correct. "It's complicated, Mace. Kids have never been my thing, and I always told myself I wouldn't have any, and then you come in and you have Axel, but that doesn't mean I want any of my own."

Macy takes her bottom lip in between her teeth for a moment. "I don't really know what to say to that. I mean, what does that even mean, Declan?"

I reach out and take her small hand in mine. "It means that I'm willing to do it for Axel, but that's it. I never wanted kids, and just because I love your kid, my feelings haven't changed on the matter."

Macy is silent as she stares down at the bedspread. Then she finally says something. "Is there a point to this?"

Something swirls in my stomach. "A point to what?"

"What if I wanted more kids?" She asks quietly. "I'm not saying I do, but what if I did? I don't understand. You're fine with Axel, but you don't want kids of your own?"

"Right."

"Why? That doesn't make sense. If you don't want kids, then you don't take one in. It's simple."

"I can't have kids of my own, Macy. It's just not something I can do."

"Like there's something wrong... medically?"

I shake my head. "Mentally, Macy. There's something wrong mentally." Her brows furrow. "I can't stand the thought of my dad. Any time I see his face I just want to punch him. Well, genetics are funny, in a way. I look almost exactly like the man I hate, so what happens when I have a kid and they look like him too? What happens when anytime I look at my kid I get angry? What happens when I end up just like him?"

Macy leans forward and throws her arms around my neck. "Declan..." She whispers. "Why didn't you lead with that?" I softly chuckle, burying my face in the crook of her neck. "It's okay to be scared." I shake my head, so she nods. "You can't be strong all the time." I feel her fingers thread through the nape of my hair.

Pulling her entirely on my lap, I pull my face from the crook of her neck so I can look at her. "I can't give you that, Mace. I'm not ready."

Her eyebrows furrow. "Declan we haven't even had sex yet. Let alone talked about marriage. I mean, we haven't even said--" She cuts herself off with slightly widened eyes. She clears her through and glances away. "What I'm trying to say is, there's nothing for you to give me because we're not in that place."

"This is the kind of thing that breaks people up. There's no point in us being together if we're not on the same page."

"And we are on the same page." She counters. "I can't say anything about the future, because I don't know what I'll want but I don't... I don't..." She closes her eyes and swallows slowly before reopening them. "Having Axel was hard enough. There were complications and raising him has been a challenge, and I love him, but that doesn't mean I'm ready to go through that again. I don't know if I want more kids or not. I mean, he's still so little and... I don't know, Declan. I don't know what I'll want."