Broken Connection✔️

{15} Harsh Memories

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(TW! Mention of difficult topics like SA.)

I'm fidgeting the moment I get home and into my office. Im mindlessly staring off into the distance as I mess with my nails. That's what I always do when I get nervous. I go blank and start fidgeting. This only happens when it's at its worse though. 

So I'm horrible.

"What in the world could you possibly be upset about now Evelyn?" My mind snaps back to reality as the office door opens and shuts revealing my dad walking towards me and sitting across from me. "I'm upset with you." Is all I say. 

"Lord, Evelyn. When aren't you upset with me?" He rolls his eyes and stands back up to grab himself a glass of scotch. "The last job I took. The one from last month." My dad takes his seat and stares at me like he's already bored of this conversation. "Did you even bother to look at Trevor's background?" 

I'm still having trouble wrapping my mind around what I found out an hour ago. That I killed Grayson's best friend. That the man that raped me was the closest person to the guy I'm hopelessly falling back into step with. Im fucked in more ways than one.

"And why would I do that? The reason we take these jobs is to get rid of not only unpaid debts but business threats." I shake my head at my dad's words. "Did you even know who he was associated with?" My dad huffs and rolls his eyes. "Evelyn I don't give a fuck about our enemies' social life. What the hell is this about?"

"Trevor was associated with the valors." I let it sink into him but he barely gives it time. "Like I said. I don't care." Well, he should. "Yeah, don't you think that will become a business threat if they find out we were behind the death of Trevor? That they will destroy us?"

"Listen to yourself for a second Evelyn!" He fumes. "You shouldn't doubt my power. Our power. Hell- Your power!" He clearly doesn't understand why I'm upset with this. "He was Grayson's best friend dad!" I reason. He just shrugs and shakes his head. "Why should we care? We got rid of someone who owed us money and had no intention of returning it. Not to mention the fact that he fucking raped you, Evelyn!" My blood runs cold. 

He's right.

What the fuck am I even defending here? He took the last thing that was mine. My innocence. My fucking sanity with it. He destroyed my life the moment he forced himself onto me and ripped my clothes off at my own party. Not that I wanted the party to celebrate my upcoming as taker to the family business but it was mine. 

And he fucked it all up.

He had his way with me for over two hours before stopping and leaving the room with one last stab. He gripped me by the chin and growled down at a helpless seventeen-year-old soaked in tears and under sheets she'd want to burn the second he got away. At a sobbing girl who knew she had just been stripped of what she thought was the only thing she had control over. 

"You tell anyone about this and I'll find you and do this all over again until you somehow find enjoyment in it." 

Trevor shoved me back onto the bed and left the room, slamming the door. 

But that snaps me back into my reality. Into why I'm talking about this.

"It's not like we care about what they think of us if they were to find out." My dad reasons reaching over and laying a hand over mine.

I slip my hand away and stand from my seat. "We doesn't include me. Trevor might have deserved what he got but I sure as hell wish I hadn't been the one to have done it. If you cared so much you wouldn't have sent me to kill him."

"You would've done it yourself. And that says a lot about what kind of father you are."

I walk out of the office and basically jog to my room before locking the door behind me and laying my back against the door. Moments of me and Trevor fighting in that forsaken bed flood my mind and I sink to the floor and start crying. 

Images of the things he made me do against my will intensify my sobs. The screams that were unheard coming out of my mouth yelling for him to stop echo in my mind. The bruises and marks he gave me that night still stain my skin like they were permanent ink. They might be gone to the eye but in my own eyes, I'm still stuck in that bed. Still frozen in the moment my eyes landed on the reflection of my bruised body in the mirror the next morning. 

I dig my hands into my hair and dip my head down. I want no more than to run into Grayson's arms for comfort but I can't. I'm afraid that he won't believe me and that I'll end up more hurt than the night he left five years ago. So I decide on what's for the better.

I'm not ever going to tell him. Not only because it's personal and sacred to my privacy but because he shouldn't have to find out that the girl he hasn't been able to get out of his mind killed the man that fills the holes in his heart. 

I won't do it. 

I can't.

"Evi?" Jason's voice on the other side of the door makes me jump. I get up off the floor and open the door. "Are you ok?" I try smiling but a sob cracks out. Jason furrows his eyebrows before pulling me by the arm and engulfing me in a hug. As much as I and Jason got into fights over getting on each other's nerves, I loved him. 

It's a nice thing to at least have one sibling that actually cares about my well-being. Jessica's never really cared unless it involved her. That hurts. I wish I had the old Jessica back. Seven years ago Jessica cared little about boys and more about her siblings and friends. 

That's long gone.

"What did he say to you?" Jason pulls away and takes my face with both hands. I shake my head. "I just remembered the night Trevor-" I freeze. I can't say it out loud. I've never been able to. It's like a mental block. An impossible obstacle I can't get over.

"Jeez Evi. You have to stop doing this to yourself. You deserve to forget about that." Jason takes me back into his arms and rubs my back. "I regret being caught up in a girl that night. So fucking much. If I had ignored that girl and just gone to my room I would've heard you. I would've beat that man to a pulp and kept you from his monstrosities." He whispers. 

I hug him back tightly and lean in closer. I hate that this is one of the few times I'm comforted. I've always yearned for someone to wake up next to. Someone that would hug me at the end of a difficult day. But then I remember who I am, and the things I've done, and I snap out of it. 

I realize it's better this way. 

I'm meant to be alone. I have no time for a relationship. I'm too fucked up for someone to love.

Then the loneliness sweeps away and Im numb again.

And then I'm fine.

I swear to god I'm fine...