My hope in love <3

28

So Mason knows. I don't know if i'm glad or extremely self conscious and mad. I hear footsteps at my door and i see someone get i nto a car as i open it. Mason. I look down and see a small package on the door mat. If this has cookies or something in it i am literally going to throw up on him. I pick it up and bring it inside, placing it on the kitchen bench. I open it and find a small pack of floral tissues. Thoughtful. And then. A flyer. To see a therapist. I don't think before i do and before i know it the flyer is ripped into 50 pieces. Nice. Now i have no self control either. I think for a minute and then calmly place the pieces in the bin.

I feel proud. something happened in my mind and i feel like i have control again. I eat something while i am on this high, but it turns out badly. The roll instantly comes back up with only a burp to help it. This is bad. My body is used to it now.

I am extremely nervous about something i have never been about before. Dinner. What is my family going to say when i uncontrollably chuck up my meat and three veg. I plan on telling mum that i feel sick before we have dinner so i have a reasonable story of why this is happening. I know that she will make me eat anyway so i guess there will be some cleaning up to do. Turns out there is only a little bit. I had to use all of my power to keep it down and i feel terrible now. i dont use any effort to keep my gags quiet whan i chuck in the toilet. I have already told everyone that i am sick so there is no reason to be suspicious about it. I am pale now and feel really dizzy and weak. I hope i am just sick, but from my research, i know that i have damaged myself internally and now externally. I can't sleep making my under eye circles even bigger than they have been since i started. I think about what everyone is going to say. I can just say that i was up doing homework. Or that i had one too many coffees. And then i think of what Mason will think. I put on cc cream to help, but not even that can fix my situation right now.

I get to school and sleepily make it through my classes. I avoid Mason all day until i can't anymore. I wait outside the vis comm classroom like i always do and Mason is already there. Waiting for me. He has this look in his eye that makes me think that he wants to talk to me. I wonder what about. My sarcasm is kicking in.

We sit in our usual spots and i avoid his eye contact until i no longer can. He gently grabs my jaw and turns my face towards him.

"I know that you got my package."

"Well yeah i did. the tissues have all been used up and the flyer is ripped up in the bin. I raged. don't judge."

"I wouldn't judge."

"Just a question, why do u always talk about your younger sister but not your older one? Is it because she was sick?"

"She died." My heart literally drops. i feel sick but a different kind of sick. Sick like guilt.

"Was it from..."

"Yep." there is silence.

"I'm so sorry. I, I know why you want me to stop now."

"Please, i don't want this to happen to your family or anyone else. I'll never be the same."

"I need you to help me but i don't know how it's going to work."

"We can take it slow. Day by day. Trust me. I have heard prevention methods thousands of times since it happened." I have other ideas when he says we can take it slow, but i click back into my responsible mind and agree to what Mason is saying. There is no doubt, I need help.