My hope in love <3

23

It's a new semester and I have my bearable classes this half of the year. I'm anxious about who is going to be in my classes. I hate it when I don't know anyone that is going to turn up because I may have to sit alone. Books make you feel like you aren't lonely but they definitely don't make it look like you are less lonely. They make it look like you are more lonely. Lonelier.

I turn up at my vis comm class and wait patiently for anyone I know to turn up and start talking to me. Even if they didn't want to talk to me I would happily sit next to them in silence. I look around as the second bell rings. I scan my brain for any of my friends that are late for classes normally. None stick out. As I walk into the classroom and sadly examine the tables and chairs, thinking about where i'm going to sit, a friendly hand touches my shoulder. How can a hand be friendly? I'm not sure myself but it just felt like it.

I turn around and admire his hair that is spraying all in the same direction. I like it when guys style their hair like that. My gaze then falls to his smile. So perfect. so gentle. And so wanted. This admiration brings my thoughts to Tobi. He never messaged me back and from what Casey said, I don't think he will.Mason sits next to me and scrapes his chair closer to mine. I shift uncomfortably but he just smiles.

"Claustrophobic?" He asks.

"No", I giggle " Just seeing if my chair is wobbly. I think you will find that half of them here are and that you could die from it." I hope he understands my humor. And i hope he believes my lie. It's not like i'm going to tell him that it makes me nervous being that close to a guy. A cute guy.

"I'll write out my will tonight then. Do you want my laptop? My sister is too young to inherit it." We laugh together and i'm so relived that he gets me. I'm pretty sure this class is going to be fun.

I find Casey at lunch and she seems eager to tell me something. I sit down at her gesture and wait for the news.

"So the guy I was texting yesterday", she starts. Gonna be another one of her love stories.

"Yeah? Are you two a thing already? Does he go to this school?"

"Yes, yes and yes. But it is a long distance relationship now."

"Who is it? If they go to this school the why is it a long distance relationship?"

"Tobi. You know how I said that I dated him? Well we have patched things up. I hope it works out this time. And we could go on double dates and stuff because you know, your friends with him." I freeze and don't talk for minutes. Casey seems to be getting worried about me but I don't care. I just care about Tobi. He must have got my message then. Thought I meant that we were over. So he went back to her?

"Look, I really gotta go, I'll see you tomorrow okay?" I blubber to Casey. I can't feel anything in my body. I didn't think this would hurt me so much. First the secret and then a relationship. I stare at the clock until the bell rings in my last class. I rush to the bus and plug my earphones in. I just need to block out the world. Normally if someone tries to talk to me while i have them in, i will take then out and be polite. Not today. I just stand there nodding if someone says words to me that I can't hear.

When i get home there is a note on the bench. 'Won't be home until 5. Do your homework please.' And the there next to her cursive writing there is a perfectly formed love heart. I have to house to myself as my brother is at work. I shove down any food that i can find until i feel really sick. this makes it so much easier for when i want to get rid of it. My eyes water like they do everyday, but today i actually cry. My heart hurts, my stomach hurts and my throat hurts. It probably isn't good for me to be forcing my stomach acids into my throat. It has become a habit. A problem. A disorder. I cry heavy tears, hoping to get them all out before anyone comes home. I'm, disappointed about Tobi and i'm disappointed about my problem. It hurts me to do this but it hurts even more to be unhappy with my body. My phone sounds and i sit there praying that it is Tobi saying that Casey got everything wrong and that they aren't a couple, but my prayers haven't been answered. It's from mason.

"I saw you rushing today, is everything okay?' Why does he have to be such a creep. Everyone probably saw. I'll get to school tomorrow and everyone will know about my failed first relationship and me running to the bus. at my school, if you run to the bus or anywhere other than when you are in sport, you are dead meat. So i guess today will be my last day.