My hope in love <3

22

I get my science test results back. Everyone is making comments about everyone else's tests except me. I sit there admiring the numbers that lazily curve around and lay on my sheet. 98. I like the look of them. No one cares to ask me what I got so I happily keep it to myself. I like being the old me. Just being me.

Casey finds me in the library and winces at how into my book I look. I feel like showing her how good reading is, how entertaining and beautiful, knowledge enhancing and how it can improve your vocabulary, but I don't, because I know she will not listen. She plops down next to me and starts typing on her phone.

"Just another guy?" I say. I totally need an answer. I may be academically improved but I still love my gossip.

"Wow, I thought that thing had sucked you in. Thought I would never hear from you again." Pffff. That thing. Yeah, Casey, it's called a book.

"Well you didn't answer me."

"Maybe I do. Doesn't matter to you though, you're probably dating someone from the pages of your book."

"Maybe I am." I say mysteriously. What if i was. It would seriously be perfect. Because it's like a one sided relationship then I would get to choose all the things that he would say to me and plan for me. It would be amazing if those things weren't my ideas though. It would be amazing if someone else had thought them up, just for me, because they think i'm special.

The day goes really quickly which makes me question why I am sulkily walking home. I always love when school flashes before my eyes. I'ts like all of the terrible things have left my life and I can just be me. No judgement, so gossiping [about me, I don't like it when it is about me] and no pressure.

I find that when i get home that there is still judgement. Me judging myself. Judging myself for being the negative me. Judging myself for just eating two cupcakes a cookie and a handful of small biscuits. I know how to get rid of it and I do just that. The familiar feeling from yesterday. Forced gags and undigested food falling from my mouth. I feel relieved afterwards. I don't have to worry about it going to my body anymore. I look in the mirror still in disgust. I don't care if i never like myself because i know that i never will. As long as others accept me then it is fine. Kind of. My eyes are puffy, red and watering from my forced spewing. I reckon that it is impossible to do what i just did without your eyes watering. I put cold water on them but they are still red and puffy bu the time that my mum gets home. I guess i'm really lucky that my brother works nearly everyday after school. she comments on my eyes but i have a good excuse.

"Are your eyes okay?" she says as though they have their own individual feelings and that i have bashed them or something.

"I'm just so tired today. I don't know. Maybe i'm getting a cold. Actually i can kind of feel it."

"I'll make you one of my lemon and honey drinks then." I actually don't like these but I just agree to stop her from asking anything else.

"And mum", I say before walking off, "Guess what i got on my science test? The one i had last week." I always ask her to guess my results before i actually tell her becasue i want to see what she thinks i got and what her expectations are first.

"Ummmm 74, I think that is around about what you got on your last one."

"No"

"Higher or lower?"

"Higher."

"80."

"Higher."

"Tilly, good job, i'm not sure now, tell me. "

"98." I smile really big because i know that she will be proud of me.

"Just like you used to. I'm so proud. Now go study for your next test." She says with a smile. No way. I head to my room and scan my social, media accounts. Soothing, calming and entertaining.