Waste Of Time (Seongjoong)

~22~

*we are double Hongjoong pov-ing*

|-|

I was unreasonably tired. My body was fatigued but I couldn't imagine how Seonghwa felt.

I don't think I had fully processed seeing him so angry. He Alway felt soft, and sweet. No one I could place yelling at their mother over a dinner table.

Did I think she deserved it.
Fuck yes I did.

Seonghwa slumped onto the couch, not even bothering to take off his shoes.
"Are you okay?"
I softly ask sitting down next to him. He shook his head.
"Not really."
I leaned into him, to rest my head against his shoulder.
"Tell me about it?"
He turned his head to place soft kisses into my hair.
"It- it wasn't just about tonight. It's every other night. It's every insult. It's every time she ignored me when I was sick, or sad. It's every time she made fun of the way I dressed. It's just that tonight, it wasn't just me. It was you. And the anger came out without me even reconsidering the consequences, that are definitely coming."
He sighed, and threw his arms up around my body, hugging my close and tight to him.
"I've been called a faggot before,"
I laughed.
"Don't care. That was just my last straw. I didn't want to be there anyway."

I sat up away from him to make full eye contact. Trying my best to assess the emotion in the situation, and what exactly would be my own next choice in comforting him.

"You need to change. I'm sure you're uncomfortable."
He nodded.
"Very."

I stood up first and offered both my hands out to him to which he gladly took, and shrieked with laughter when I yanked him up from the couch and dragging him off to his bedroom. At least that laugh did seem to be genuine.

I shut the curtains not even a whole five seconds after we entered the room, and definitely didn't go unnoticed by Seonghwa, who was still standing just barely in the door.

"Does that mean you're helping me change?"
His head cocked to the side in a teasing manner.
"Yes. But not in the way you're thinking, or wanting."
I laughed walking back up twords him. I reached behind him to untie the tight corset and unlaced it before filling pulling it off his body. He sold stood there, patiently watching as I wondered off to his closet to find him lounge clothing.
"Okay. Shower first. Come on."

He just fully accepted me dragging him around his own home, and allowed me to remove his clothing once we were standing in the bathroom together. He watched my every move like he was so interested in what would happen next.

I'm not even sure why I decided the best way to comfort him was do things for him that he was completely and entirely capable of doing them on his own. Like, undressing him, washing his hair and body for him, and removing the remaining makeup off his face.

I couldn't quite tell what he was thinking. He wasn't bothered, that was for sure, but I also didn't know if he particularly happy about it. But I just kept on doing it. I dried his body off, and helped him get dressed again before even drying myself off.

I pulled Seonghwa back to his room, and gently pushed him down into bed.
"Hey Hongjoong,"
He said before I did anything. I hummed.
"What's up?"
I sat down into his lap straddling his hips. It wasn't sexual in any way this time. Flirty of course, but still sweet.
"I'm sorry,"
He said quietly. He brought his hands up the grasp my waist, urging me to lay down against his chest.
"Why are you sorry?"
I laid down, turning my head to rest my ear against his chest. When he spoke again his voice sounded deep and booming in the most attractive way.

The more and more I thought about it, the more and more I realized I thought everything he did was attractive.

"Because I wanted you to have an at least okay-ish night. And my anger fucking ruined it."
There was so much disappointment in his voice it hurt. But I couldn't tell why he was so disappointed.
"I don't care. It wasn't like it was a date."

"Why are you so nice to me?"

"I could ask you that exact same thing."
I laughed.
"I love you, like, so fucking much, Hongjoong."
My heart skipped. He's said that to me, he's told me he loved me. I've said it to him back. But this one felt so, different?

I've thought I was in love with Seonghwa for a long time now. But I shoved it away. So far into the back of my mind I guess I almost, forgot? But I think it's finally clicking. Finally, finally clicking.

I'm not in love with him for his appearance. I'm not in love with him for his pretty features. I'm not in love with him for his tanned body. He was lovely, his appearance was so perfect, and I'm shallow. I'm so shallow because actually, I am in love with that too.

But I'm also in love with him for the music he listens, his loud laughter, the way his eyes somehow sparkle in even the dimmest lighting. I'm in love with the way his house is full of books, I'm in love with the little collection of figurines that line his dresser (that I never have brought up to him). I'm in love with the oversized sweaters in his closet, I'm in love with the way loud cars startle him every time they pass by, I'm so in love with every single part of him.

I'm so in love with him as a whole. As a person.

How is it that I'm just now accepting I'm in love in the most unromantic way. Our hair was still damp from our shower, in oversize pajamas, no makeup, and I probably looked about as haggard as I'll ever look.

I was just listening to his heartbeat, and each drawn out breath he took.
"Did I make you uncomfortable?"
He asked quietly, brushing his fingers through my wet hair.
"No, no. Not at all. I was just, thinking."

"About?"

"You, actually. Tell me about your childhood. I don't know much about that."
I requested nuzzling my face against his chest a bit.
"I don't think there's too much to know, I'm an only child, my parents are divorced, I don't think I've seen my dad in... Uhh... Two, maybe three years, and yes. I grew up very wealthy."
He explained, his fingernails raked up and down my back, or lightly squeezing at my hips.
"Stop distracting me. I'm trying the talk to you."
I laughed.
"You're making it distracting. This is just how I act."
He said squeezing my ass tightly before letting his hands come to a rest on my lower back.

We went quiet for a moment. And I just enjoyed the gentle rising and falling of his stomach against mine as he took slow breaths until he broke the silence, with his still very enjoyable voice.
"Can I ask you something?"
I nodded against him.
"Why- why do you tell me you love me, but you still don't want to be with me. I just, I don't understand. If you love me, wouldn't you want to be together?"
I sighed.
"I already told you Seonghwa, just last night. I don't want to break your heart."
I explained again.
"Well, you might just be breaking it now."

Speaking of broken hearts. That little sentence broke mine.

"I'm not what you want."

"You're right!"
He exclaimed sarcastically.
"You're way more then I want. I'm taking what you're giving me, Joong. But I'm sad. I want everything. And that's selfish, but I don't think I care."

"I'll think more about it."
I spoke.
"Now. I want to go to bed."
I felt Seonghwa shift under me before finally flipping the blankets up to cover us.
"Huh. I guess that dinner with my mom didn't end so poorly."

Lol. I just realized I'm so fucking in love with my very gay best friend/coworker and it's takin a tole on me.
(Stop back hugging me Joey. It's hurting my soul.)