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Ika-Dalawampu't Anim na Bahagi: Frustrated Artist

April 7- 8, 2023 (11:30 pm -1:00 am)

I do have lots of frustration in life...
Frustration that leads to pushing myself in discovering some talents. I am in deed a frustrated artist or it is just what I thought, because I'm a trying hard one. A trying hard copy cat who wanted to please people. I'm a fan of arts, but the feeling is not mutual...so I did practice and practice as long as I have time.
Some of my schoolmates back in elementary where really good at arts, in drawing and poster making in particular...that's why I started practicing, hoping that one day, I will be somewhat like them who is good in it. After constantly practicing it every Saturday and Sunday for almost two years, I can say that somehow I improved my skills in drawing, but I am not really good at putting colors in it, because it always got messed up. So I drop that thing, cause I know that I can't make it, what is important is, somehow I can draw a nice character from the anime I am watching.

During high school, I still have some close friends who is good at arts, so my drive at improving my skills in drawing didn't stop until 2nd year. On my 3rd year, I got an interest in reading pocket books. I've been engrossed at reading romance novel, that's why I started loving reading books (all kind of genre, except the dark one). Aside from having interest in reading, I started making my own story (a story of hope, but up to now I haven't finish writing it...it been 16 long years).
I forgot, when I was on my first year in high school, I've written my first song...I still remember the lyrics, but the other song, a rap song in particular, I have forgotten every lines. I was able to write my first real poem, which is not part of school activities, which I had submitted to school journal, but it failed to pass in their standard...the sad thing is I forgot to write a copy of it.

When I was in college, due to busy schedule, I somewhat take a break from doing my hobbies...unless I feel like doing it. Sometimes I do draw, sometimes I do write poems. When I was on my junior and senior years in college, I think it was the time that I do write lots of poems, and making lots of anime drawings... And also the time that I was written 2 of my songs which I have submitted before in song writing competition years after my graduation. Actually, during college days there is one song that I have written, but I forgot the rest of the lines except the first verse, it is much better than the 2 songs I think, but the problem is, I just misplaced the lyrics and never found it. I also written novels on a paper but failed to type the first one when I already had a laptop.

2014 to 2017 was a splendid year... I have written lots of poems more than a hundred. I have written lots of one-shot stories, and even novels (but failed to finish it). I have written lots of songs (20 plus I think, and half of it is just 2 stanza or unfinished, because I can't find the right term to make it sounds right). I've joined lots of online writing contest and even song writing contest during these time. I have submitted my second novel in a well known Publishing Company, even though it was rejected. I became part of different writing groups and writing contest that improves my writing skills.

When it comes to my drawing skills, well... I started getting an interest of moving it to the next level which is portrait...which is indeed a frustration once again. I am always fascinated with people who can draw portraits, I do really admire them. At first, everything didn't went easy as I thought, but it didn't stop me there. As time goes by, I am somehow used to it...I've been juggling from writing stories especially at night and making portraits in the day light on weekends. It is somewhat like a big step that I can't imagine I was able to do. I've been so energetic and productive during those times...until I got lost in track. Being busy keeping me away from the things I used to love. I don't know what had happen...I just can't find myself. Am I really busy or I just don't feel doing it. I just got tired and felt lazy.

2018, does the fire do come back? It's summer once again and the winter has gone. Char. It's a new season to begin with. There is a new trend in art, a digital one. Actually, I am really fascinated in it, I've tried lots of digital art app, but it is always an epic attempt because I can't make even a line art. I really wanna learn about it, because I still have this frustration in coloring. The first app that I was able to use, somewhat give me light...finally, I found the right app, but still there are a lot of things that needs to improve. Until two of my students mentioned about an app that is friendly user, so I did try it. Men, this app is such a blessing...it is indeed a very friendly user. This app gave me hope on making my frustration in coloring be possible. I know it's kind'a exaggerated, but it is true. From that moment, I keep on exploring and practicing my skills using this app. To this date I do have more than 150 digital arts both line art and colored one, 4 of it was commission portraits. 

I forgot to share the reason why I write songs, is not that I am a frustrated singer...I can't sing well, so I write songs so I can deal with my own tune. Though all of my songs were impromptu , it just came out of my mind without any notice so I just, sing, record and write the lyrics at the same time. And that's how it works.

I've come to far from where I started, from being a frustration to somewhat making things possible. Sometimes I just got lost it track, whenever I feel drowning from things that I don't know or I am just being lazy, because I am really tired of lots of things...and I need a break. Me and my lazy thoughts. Kidding aside, being an adult makes you feel, think and act far from what you used five years ago...that there is no time for leisure, just laziness when you are really burnout. Take a break, rest, movie marathon, going somewhere to breathe some fresh air where you can recharge and gain some spirit to continue. As we go aged, many things will not be the same as it was before. We lost interest on things that we used to love before, even though we give it a try once again, the joy and enthusiasm was not the same as it was.