So This Is Love ~~~~ R.P.

xxii. To Fall Apart is To Die, and Babe, We're Halfway There

I wasn't paying attention to where I was going. 

My dirty Converse skidded across the pavement. My arms tightly cradled my torso, holding my body in the kind of affection I craved for so long. The breeze kissed my cheeks, like Mother Nature herself was blessing my face with icy breath. My own breathing began to steady and eyes grew heavy. My chest started to burn, for whatever reason I did not know. I know I said I'd let my mind wander, but I fear it was beginning to get lost. The downward spiral of guilt and the thoughts began creeping through the seams, and if I didn't stop it, then there's no telling where they will lead me to. They'd leak through, eventually collapsing the dam that is my sanity and flooding my mind once more. 

I couldn't let that happen again. 

I didn't stop walking until the pavement below my feet turned to rubber. Confused, I looked up and was greeted by a battered swing set. Beyond the swings housed a little playground, with two slides on opposite ends, a staircase and ladder, and even a little hiding spot at the tallest point of the tower. There were zigzags and stepping stones, and even a little merry-go-round.

A small smile crept onto my face. This little playground was the very one the boys and I would hangout on. Of course, it was remodeled, and attractions were added, but that hiding spot in the tower still remained. 

Our Spot.

Finally, a distraction I could tolerate and that I needed. I let my feet carry myself up the staircase of the playground. Once I reached the top, I walked down the bridge, my hands grazing the hand rails as I walked. Eventually, I was met with ladder. Lifted my arms to pull myself up, I reached the opening to the top of the tower. Pulling myself forward, I pulled my legs up to reach the floor and let go of the ladder. I stood silently for awhile before circling the hiding spot. There was tagging all over the ceiling, spiderwebs faintly glistening in the moonlight, leaves and trash littered the floor, and yet, it still felt like home more than the garage. At least, not right now. The little window opening allowed the moon to glow through, offering some light. Resting my arms of the windowsill, I surveyed the view. 

It was beautiful. 

The rest of the playground was in full view. Not only that, but the greenery surround the park was vastly dark, but endearing. Some houses were able to be seen, too, some faint yellow glows emerging from their windows. Street lamps were obnoxiously too orange for my liking, but their light touched every surface of the road. Other than that, it was completely dark. Of course, the moon still glowed, as she always did, and faint stars made their presence known. They were small, but still there. 

It was quiet, and for once, I liked it. All my life I feared silence. I always made sure there was sound. Whether it was lightly tapping any surface nearest to me, hanging out with Luke and listening to him write songs, or even having the TV on all night, I always made sure there was noise. Silence is too aggressive, abrasive even. The silence meant that the thoughts had time to speak, and I never wanted that to happen. I had to cut them off before they even began. Silence meant that my mother was right; I wasn't worth anyone's time, they were bored of me. 

My mother.

I hadn't given her a second thought since I died. How did she take my death? I'll never know, and I'm not sure if I want to. Still, when Julie said she told me she died, there was a flicker of pain that coursed through my chest. I wasn't sure why; my mother wasn't exactly the easiest to get along with, but it still hurt. Especially considering she died in the exact way I lied about my own death. 

And yet, here I was. Sitting in the silence I've always feared, observing the life that I never got to live and that will continue to live on without me, the cold breeze whispering through my hair, and the moon looking back at me with her obscuring beauty, I was content.