So This Is Love ~~~~ R.P.

iv. Starting Over

Writing music again was like learning how to walk. Trial and error. 

My fingers don't move as fast as they use to. My strumming isn't as clean as it was before. But that's okay. 

I reread what I've written and smile. Taking a deep breath, I start to play;

I know you're gone

I know I have to move on

But, I think about the times we had

I think about everything we planned

And I think about what life would be like

If you were still in my life

To say 'I miss you' would be and understatement

No matter how hard I try to forget it

Just know that I'll always remember you

Opening my eyes, I see Beatrice smiling in the doorway. "About time." 

I smile as tears brim my eyes. Even if it wasn't a full song, I still did it. 

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As I sit on the couch of the garage, I lightly strum my guitar, humming a tune. I stop as I look at Reggie's bass. Reggie. I never got to tell him how I felt. Probably because I kept denying it. 

~The summer of 1994~

The cool, crisp air brushes my face. A few stars poke holes into the dark sheet of sky. The grass tickles my skin. Reggie says something stupid that makes me laugh. 

"Seriously, I think I could own a hamster!" Reggie defended himself.

"Absolutely not. You'd lose it within five mintues. Remember my gerbil?" I laugh.

Reggie blushes furiously. "I-I-I'm so sorry about that. But in my defense, when you tell an obnoxious 12 year old boy specifically not to open a cage, he's going to open it"

I sigh, "Well I hope Mr. Sprinkles is okay, wherever he is."

As I look at the stars, I feel eyes on me. I turn my head to see Reggie staring at me. "What are you doing?"

"N-nothing." He says, redirecting his attention to the sky. "You're just...pretty." 

My stomach fluttered. It has never done that before. The only time it did that was with Daniel. "Well...you're pretty too." I say, blushing and facing the sky.

"You think I'm pretty?" Reggie smirks.

"Maybe. I just didn't want you to feel awkward." I giggle.

Reggie fidgets, then moves closer. He tries to sneakily grab a hold of my hand. When he does, I don't let go. 

~end of flashback~

That was the day I knew I had a crush on him. I never told anyone, I couldn't. I was scared. Last time I felt something like that was with Daniel Boyd, and he messed me up. Because of him, I was so afraid to let anyone else into my life. I didn't want to get hurt again. Stupid feelings. 

Even though I accepted the fact that the boys are dead, I still felt alone. The bad thoughts were still there. 

Why didn't you just tell Reggie how you felt? Stupid. Stupid.

What are you going to do with your life? No diploma, no education, no career. Pathetic. 

What are you doing? Get up! Do something.

"Jaiden?" 

Blinking, I face Bobby as he waves his hand in front of my face. 

"Oh...hey. I was just thinking." I say.

"I need to talk to you." He says seriously. I've never seen him like this. "What are we going to do with this?" He says, holding up Luke songbook.

"Hey, why do you have-"

"Listen, I've read the songs. They're good. If we just release them, we could be rich! Think about it. We're sitting on a gold mine and doing nothing about it. You and me could be unstoppable wit these songs. We'll rule the music industry for years." Bobby says excitedly.

"No. We can't. Those are Luke's songs. It wouldn't be right to pursue his dream without him. Let alone with his songs." I reply, standing uyp. 

"Come on, Jaiden. If you just-"

"No. Alright? It's not right. I can't do that, and neither should you. promise me Bobby. DOn't release Luke's songs. Please. For me."

Bobby sighed, heavily. "Fine. For you." 

"Thank you." I smile as I pull him in for a hug. When we break apart, he stares at me longer than intended. "haha, yeah... so um see you later." I say awkwardly, turning to leave the garage. 

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A few months later, I was sitting in my living room, watching T.V. They were talking about a new up and coming artist, Trevor Wilson. I shut it off. I couldn't watch someone else living their dream when I couldn't live mine. I tried calling Bobby, but he didn't pick up. My sister is out with friends, and my mother is at work. I'm alone. Again. I hate being alone with my thoughts. I end up going down a rabbit hole of worry and saddness. 

I was supposed to be starting over, and I was. Until Bobby mentioned releasing Luke's songs. Why would he do that? He knows how much those meant to him. 

You didn't have to be rude about it. He was just trying to help you. Stupid. Stupid. 

You'll never do anything in life. You're worthless. Useless. Your own mother hates you. The woman who gave birth to you, hates you. Your father didn't even stay to sign the birth certificate. How pathetic. He didn't want you. No one wants you. No one. 

These thoughts come and go. On the outside, I'm fine. On the inside, I'm dying. I put on an image for everyone. I have to. I can't let these voices get to me, but it's hard. 

I've been thinking about it. Ending it, I mean. There's nothing left for me to do here. Maybe if I end it, I could be with the boys. 

What was I thinking? I feel like I'm back at square one. What's the point in trying if you're just going to end up where you started. 

I climb up the stairs to my mother's bathroom. Her medicine cabinet is filled with pain killers and prescribed medication. All I have to do is take some and it's over. Gripping the bottle of medication in my hand, I look in the mirror. I pull the cabinet open and throw the medicine in. I couldn't do it. Not now. I was supposed to be starting over. 

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a/n

hello peoples! This chapter kinda hit close to home for me. if you ever need to talk, i'm here! if you feel like you're not worth it, trust me, you are. there are people out there who care about you. if you ever need to talk; 

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

800-273-8255

https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/%3Futm_source%3Dgoogle%26utm_medium%3Dweb%26utm_campaign%3Donebox&ved=2ahUKEwib4eSZ1-b2AhVXDkQIHRfaBiQQ-8cEegQIDBAF&usg=AOvVaw2p_EWTXjbfM2xMKDpsBrEf 

See ya on the flip side

~ S ♡

**EDITED**