Balance, Baby

Chapter 19

"When did you last replace it?" She asked me, referring to my birth control, "They sometimes can be effective for up to 5 years, but you probably should have had it replaced after 3."

"I don't remember," I admitted. I forgot that it even needed to be switched out, I'd had it since I was like 16 or maybe 17. I don't even remember how often it was supposed to be replaced, "I got it replaced a few years ago, I think. I'm not sure."

"We can set up an ultrasound appointment today so that you can find out how far along you are, if you would like," She said in a comforting voice, "But we need to get that old implant out, regardless. I'll let you think for a moment, I'll be back in soon. Be sure to let me know if you'd like to discuss your options."

I nodded. 'Holy shit.'

~

I was sitting outside of a Jamba Juice that was nearby. I sipped on my smoothie, staring at the traffic passing by. There are many words that describe how I was feeling, the biggest being numb. I zoned out, 'You actually have a baby, brewing inside of you. You have no clue how long it's been there. You don't have a single clue as to who the dad might be.'

I looked down into my smoothie, still thinking. I had no idea what I was going to do. I didn't personally believe in abortion. Don't get me wrong, I think every woman deserves the right to choose. But, my personal choice would always be no. I knew that I could potentially get myself into a situation like this, so I've always been extremely careful. But, I've also always told myself that if I fucked up, that was on me. At this moment, it was crossing my mind. Realizing that I was going to be a single mother, I couldn't begin to figure out who the dad was. The only way I'd ever figure it out was a paternity test, but would I really want to know anyway? They probably would deny it anyway. I'll have to go through my messages looking for the damn guy too, become a whole detective. Imagine some random guy you've only met once suddenly becoming an inescapable person, the father of your child.

I sighed, finishing the last of my smoothie. I hadn't moved for at least an hour. Finally, I decided to throw away my cup and get in the car. I stopped by the store and went grocery shopping mindlessly on my way home. I finally walked through the door of our apartment, Judah was in the kitchen.

"Hey, love. You were gone a while," He greeted me sweetly as I carried in all of the bags I could, I sat them on the counter.

"Hey," I smiled at him briefly, "I got tested, I'm clean."

"Cool," He was cooking. I watched his back as I felt myself starting to detach.

"I'm making-" I zoned out again. 'How are you going to tell Judah? You are barely getting together, you actually aren't even together yet. You just had sex for the first time last night. How would he even react?' I took a deep breath, snapping myself back into the moment, as he looked at me, "Ky, you good dude?"

I nodded, "Sounds good. I have more groceries, I'll be right back."

I was sitting in my car, avoiding going back upstairs and not remembering exactly how I got down here in the first place. My thoughts kept running, 'What am I doing to do? I'm not ready to be a mother, maybe someday, but not today. How will this work? I'll need to move and settle into a new place all before the baby gets here. I don't even know how long that is. I can't be that far along, right? I'm not showing. I'll need to-'

There was a knock on my window, I looked over and saw Judah. He was holding the hydro flask that we took to the party. I opened the door and he spoke immediately, "Hey, I just saw Isaiah. Grabbed this. What're you doing in here?" He asked leaning on the open car door and the top of the car.

"Nothing," I grabbed the last of the groceries and got out of the car. I locked it and walked up the stairs. As soon as I got into the apartment. I began putting the groceries away.