Memories, Scars and Survival: High School Years

Chapter 54 - Einar

Charlie said his was passing his ears, while Liz just wants to get her hair styled. I asked them both who they were trying to impress during lockdown. My dye was faded and mostly gone.

Now that I'm stuck inside where no one could see, I fooled around with nail polish. I haven't told either Charlie or Liz about it yet. I've always believed only girls are supposed to wear nail polish.

I know I'm a boy, but sometimes, I just want to look pretty. I remember feeling sexy all those years ago and want to again. And this time over something I did on my own.

Mom caught me and helped once I picked out a dark purple shade. Although I liked it, I worried what the others would think.

While taking classes online, I would hide my hands under the table. At the beginning of May, Liz called distressed. She tried cutting her own hair. I guess she cut it much too short for her liking.

I asked her to send me a picture, but she refused. She said she looked like a tomboy now. It took me a few days of begging, but she finally sent me a picture. She looked amazing. There's something so intriguing about her having short hair.

"You're so beautiful," I told her.

She didn't believe me, thinking I was just trying to be nice. But I wasn't lying. She was the most beautiful creature I've ever seen. I told her, and she sent back a blushing smiley face.

I wouldn't tell her, but I thought she looked like a mix between a boy and a girl. But I felt an intense desire to be with her. More than I felt with Charlie. I still want them both, but I couldn't look away from her picture.

Another month later, we got a call from my advocate. But this time, she wanted to talk to mom. I could tell mom was really upset about whatever they were talking about.

Once she hung up, she called Eirik and me over. "Boys, your father passed away."

I fell down onto my butt. "What happened?" Eirik asked.

"I guess he was acting strangely as of late. A couple of days ago, in the middle of the night, he drove to work after being fired a while ago. He was disoriented and unsure what he was doing there or how he got there. They ran a test and discovered a brain tumor. They performed emergency surgery, but he never woke up. He slipped into a coma and passed away this morning."

I ran upstairs again and cried. Dad was gone, and it was my fault. He must have been so distraught because I was a terrible son who got him sent to prison, so he got cancer and died. I bawled against my pillow, wanting my dad back. Wanting him to hold me and love me.

I'll never see him again. Neither of us will ever get the chance to forgive each other. He will never know I am with Charlie and Liz. He will see none of us get married. Our family is forever ruined.

Then I felt cheated. He got out of serving any time in prison. God, I'm tired of these conflicting thoughts, of hating him and myself. Life isn't supposed to be this hard. Mom called me down for dinner, but I didn't go. I pulled my pillow tight over my head and fell asleep.

I woke in the middle of the night starving. Eirik was laying against me. I figured he needed the comfort. I slid out of my bed and crept downstairs. When I passed mom's room, I heard her in there crying. My heart broke.

I knocked on her door, went in and laid down next to her. "I'm sorry, mom. It's all my fault."

"No, it's not honey. It must have been growing for a long time. Maybe a year or more. It could be why he was so violent towards you."

That made me angry. Like she was saying it excused what he did to me. I couldn't accept that.

He tortured me and he deserved to be punished. Now he never will. Sure, there's the possibility he goes to hell for what he did. But I didn't want him going there. Especially since he has to be in heaven to see me again someday. If I make it into heaven.

However, if I think of what my hell would be, it would be dad beating and torturing me for eternity. I waited for mom to fall asleep, then went downstairs for food. I made a bowl of cereal, then went back to my bed with Eirik.

I thought about Dad and Ezra. At least dad was older. How could God allow someone like Ezra, with so much time ahead of him die? It's moments like these when I don't believe in a God.

Ezra didn't deserve any of what happened and he deserved to live a long life. It's just too much for me to handle. I know he's no longer in pain, but why did it take this to end his pain?

Why couldn't he stay here so we could be friends and heal with each other's help? I know I failed him, too. I should've broken through to him and became his friend again. Maybe then he'd still be here.

The next day, I told Charlie and Liz what happened. Charlie said it was good because I'd always be safe now. When I read it, I felt a stab of pain in my chest.

I loved my dad. How could he say that? I recognized his statement was probably more accurate than my feelings, but I couldn't acknowledge that.

Liz apologized for my loss but agreed I would be safe now forever. I was in such a terrible place when I had my therapy later that day. Eirik saw her first, so I assumed she already heard about dad.

I don't remember how it came up in session, but I admitted I was fantasizing about dying. Not that I wanted to kill myself, but just that I wanted to die. That I stopped brushing my teeth or taking care of myself. It led to her asking about the different ways I've thought about dying.

So I told her about wanting to join the marines. That I wanted to die saving my fellow soldiers by jumping on a grenade. If I die that way, then I will be buried at Arlington and I will get a pass into heaven.

"And how do you know that will get you into heaven?" she asked.

"Self-sacrifice. Everyone knows that's a one-way ticket to heaven," I said.

Then she said something that destroyed me. "I'm sorry to say, you won't be able to serve in any branch of the military. PTSD, bipolar disorder, major depression, and serious anxiety like yours are all automatic disqualifiers."

"But why? Plenty of men and women have died for this country. Why can't I?"

"People don't join the military to die so they can get into heaven. They join the military, wanting to fight for the country. Most know death is a possibility, but that isn't their goal. They would much rather live and fight to protect the country. Men and women join the military to travel the world, defend the country, find a family, to make a career out of it, or for many other reasons. But not to die."

I became furious. If I want to die for the country, so be it. It's not as if the country or government care about all the lives lost protecting the country. Soldiers die all the time. If I want to be fodder, so be it. There cannot be a war without loss of life. Someone needs to die. Let it be me.

"It's not like I would run out and yell, shoot me. I would do what's required. I just wouldn't care if I didn't survive. Ok, then I can use my fallback. If I survived military service, I wanted to join the FBI or Secret Service. I could die saving someone's life by jumping in front of a bullet."

She shook her head in the negative again. "You also won't pass the psychological evaluations for the FBI, Secret Service, CIA, NSA, or any of the policing agencies."

"It's not like I would intentionally get myself killed. God would know. That's the same as suicide-by-cop. I'll do the job as best I can for as long as I can. It's just that they are dangerous jobs. You can die at anytime and it's not by choice. I need to die with honor so I can get to heaven," I said.

"I think we should discus why you think you're going to Hell."

"Because I'm gay. I've had sex with a man. Even if it was against my will. So, no matter what, I'm going to hell. That's what the Catholic Church says. I'll just have to figure out a different job where I can die saving someone."

Her voice rose and became very stern. "Stop trying to die with honor. Live with honor. Stop thinking about death. Think about life."

I've never felt such pain and anguish flood from me. I couldn't hold it in anymore. Pain and sorrow flooded out of me in waves. "I don't know how to live. Or how to be happy. I'm always in so much fucking pain."

My body rocked back and forth as my pain continued to flow out of me. I was becoming afraid that it wouldn't go back down. I've held onto this pain for far too long. Mom and Einar rushed into the room and held me. I kept crying into them, apologizing and saying I don't know how to live.