Memories, Scars and Survival: High School Years

Chapter 49 - Einar

They broke the kiss and then Charlie let Liz kiss me next. While it was another amazing kiss, it was better having Charlie so close and accepting. For the first time, I believed this could work. After kissing her, I Charlie kissed me.

His hand came up to my cheek as his lips made contact. I loved feeling his hand on my cheek. I felt loved. Then another hand touched my other cheek. I opened my eyes and looked over. Liz was stroking my other cheek, and it was something truly special. I can't think of a time when I've ever felt this loved.

We kept switching back and forth, kissing each other. I thought people might see us from the road, but it just didn't matter. I was happy, and that happiness was shielding my heart from the world.

Once we stopped and made our way back into the arena, I worried I pushed things too far. They were talking to each other, and they seemed the same as ever, but I still worried. One mistake and I'll be alone again.

Back inside, it surprised us to see our team was winning by a goal at the end of the first hour. All the players were taking a break before beginning the third period. We kept talking and watched the last period with rapt attention since we might win.

It wasn't meant to be. The varsity team came back and won by a single goal. Our parents were bragging and saying if the game ended at the normal time, we would've won. I never paid much attention in the first place, but I wonder how the team was faring with both the coach and Ezra gone.

Where is he? Why isn't he playing? And why has he never responded to me? I just want to be his friend. Maybe this is his way of saying he doesn't want to be my friend.

Liz drove Noah home, and we brought Charlie back home with us. His mom would pick him back up later. I don't know why he couldn't spend the night and go with us to church. For whatever reason, his mom wanted him back home. Maybe it's because he didn't have his church clothes here.

Once home, Eirik took a shower, leaving us alone for a time. We continued kissing on my bed until he came back out. In fact, we kept kissing until he told us to knock it off. It didn't embarrass me at all.

Once he left, I worried again. I hate being happy and then depressed and worried from minute to minute. Why can't I have just a couple days of happiness? Or at least be content. The medications seemed to help in the beginning. But after a month or two, it dissipated.

It was after midnight when I realized I couldn't sleep without knowing. "Were you both ok with kissing each other?

They both responded in our different conversations with similar responses, "we wouldn't have done it otherwise."

I felt better, but only enough to fall asleep. Maybe they are ok with it, but what about God? Sitting in the pew the next morning, I prayed, asking if being with my two friends was ok.

I know this church accepts all people, but does that count? Will He accept me no matter what? Am I a good person? I'm so confused, and He never responds. At least, not in a way I understand. I need a priest, or pastor. Ugh, whatever they call the guy at this church.

A few weeks passed, and my psychiatrist increased my dosage of two medications. I hope they help. I'm tired of being sad. It helped when all six of us went out downtown. We all ate lunch together at a burger place and it was nice.

Afterwards, mom picked us up and took us to the movies. We had a great time seeing a new superhero movie together. But neither Charlie nor I, or Eirik and Noah, kissed with the other guys around. Not only didn't I want to make them uncomfortable, but we sat behind the handicap row and there were many people sitting behind us.

I know Eirik was happy hanging out with all his friends again. He admitted to me at home he was having a hard time balancing everyone. I think it helped him most, being with everyone outside of school. Though, I can't speak for any of the others since I can't see inside their minds.