The Physics of Love

Chapter 37

'How're you feeling, honey?' mom's holding my hand, sitting on the edge of my bed. She's looking at me worriedly, with dark shadows under her eyes.

After I collapsed in the hallway today, Annie and Taylor brought me home. Mom almost flipped and although she insisted on my hospital visit, I managed to persuade her that I only need some rest after a tough week at school. I told her that the doctor's examinations would just tire me more and make me feel even worse, so she reluctantly let me stay at home and sleep and I promised I would go to the hospital later if I don't feel any better. So now, after a few hours spent under the covers in the safe shelter called my bedroom, I feel strong and refreshed, although the pain I feel inside hasn't subsided at all. On the contrary, it got swollen and heavy, like a huge balloon threatening to burst inside of me.

'I'm much better, mom. Thanks.'

Mom's forehead is furrowed like an old tree. She literally looks ten years older than she did yesterday. I haven't seen her this worried since I fell from the fence running away from the neighbor's dog when I was four years old.

The door creaks open after a knock and dad's face shows up. It's somehow white and transparent.

'Bianca?'

What did I do to my parents? They turned into a couple of ghosts overnight.

'I'm fine dad. You shouldn't worry, really. It's been a rough week at school, that's all.'

'You shouldn't study that hard, you already know too much. Maybe you should stay at home for a year, let your classmates catch up,' dad tries to lighten things up. 'C'mon, get up, dinner's getting cold.'

He leaves the room and mom by my side. She's not persuaded by my academic excuses and I can see from here that I'll have more explaining to do today. She squeezes my hand harder, so hard, it almost hurts.

'You know, honey, there are some things you simply can't know yet because you're young.' Mom's hair is not as neat as usual, her make up neither. I can't tell for sure, but this is what she looks like on those rare occasions when she lets her tears take over and bring her relief, because it's a healthy thing to do. 'And one of them is how it is to be a parent.'

'Nice introduction, mom. Are you gonna tell me something I don't know?'

'You can be as witty as you want now, but today they brought you home in a horrible condition, Bianca, so I think you should hear me out!'

She's right. Of course, she always is. I squirm under the blanket and give her a silent sign to continue.

'Now,' she resumes calmly, 'you know I'm writing a book about raising a teenager, but there are really more question marks in it than the actual directions. If I learned one thing since you reached puberty, that's the fact that I can't run the show.

Her words startle me. This is the first time ever that mom acknowledged I'm not under her wing any more and that her little chicken started to bring decisions alone. It's also the first time for me to feel free and independent, but also scared of responsibilities and mistakes that come with that freedom, especially after the horrendous events from the last week.

I could tell mom everything now, this is the moment. I could ask her for opinion, I could ask for advice, even help. But I don't. Like I didn't ask her to play with dolls when I was a kid. If I couldn't find a friend to do it with, I would play alone. I'll do the same now. Even though I know my problem would be a piece for cake for her to solve, somehow I feel it's a fight I have to win by myself.

'There's no school for parenting. D'you know why is that?' she raises her eyebrows in expectation.

'Because...er...it would be too expensive?'