The Physics of Love

Chapter 15

'Bianca!' I hear my mom's voice from the door. I can't so much as lift my head from the pillow, so I decide to ignore her until she leaves.

'Bianca, honey, are you okay?'

I'm not answering.

'Bianca...'

She won't give up.

'I'm fine, mom. Leave me alone.'

'Are you sure you're not sick? It's eleven already, those guys are hammering like crazy and you're still asleep.'

'I'm fine mom, I couldn't sleep last night. Just leave me alone, please.'

We're not allowed to be tense at home and our communication always goes smoothly, no matter what our problems are. That's one of my parents' rules and I've always tried to follow it. It brings so much comfort to think of home as a safe place where everybody loves you and treats you well.

But this morning, it takes so much effort not to yell and scream at everyone. The only thing that keeps me still is the utter exhaustion after hours of crying and sobbing into the pillow. My eyes must be swollen and blotchy; I'll have to put on makeup before I show my face in the living room. Or maybe I should simply fake sick and avoid all the questions.

I hide under a cover and rewind the yesterday's episode. Again! What did you think, Bianca? That we would become a couple? reverberates in my ears. Every time I remember Ted's words, they hit me deeper and harder. What did I think, really? That a guy like him would like me back? It's so improbable, that even after a kiss like that I have absolutely no right to hope, not remotely, not at all, to become anything else but his study partner.

How did I get here? How did a smart, proud Bianca with a haughty attitude and a disdainful look reserved for every monkey in the school get here? What did you think, Bianca? What did you think...?

Let's see... First, I said yes to having a study partner, which was something I absolutely didn't need, then I thought he was having fun with me while he was making fun of me, then I thought he was flirting with me while he was playing with me, then I let him kiss me like that instead of slapping him...That, in short, would be how I got here. What did you think...?

I'm sinking into a black hole of my own thoughts without anything to hold onto. It's never been like this. Not at home, not with my friends and people who love me. Nobody has ever hurt me like this...

Is that life? Is this how it's gonna be? Will I have to beware of people all the time? People who seem nice, but then turn into mean little creatures and say things like this? I don't wanna leave this room, ever!

I muster all my energy to crawl out of bed. I walk into the bathroom and stand in front of the large wall to wall mirror. My face is puffy, just like I expected it to be, but aside from the temporary redness, my skin is perfectly milky and even. My blue eyes pop out even more now and my lips are red and pouty. I'm a mix of mom and dad's genes, all superior from both sides when it comes to looks (and other stuff, but that's not the topic now), but I never thought of myself as beautiful. The features people like on my face always seemed too accentuated to me and I often feel a little silly looking.

I'm wearing a baggy floral print pajama and a plain blue t-shirt, but they still show my slim figure and a nice posture. Although I've never played any sports, my body is lean and athletic. My breasts got one size bigger from the last year and it's a new aspect of my look I'm still getting used to. They are also the reason boys pay so much more attention to me now. Still, Ted doesn't find me attractive and he's not afraid to say it. What did you think, Bianca? What did you think? His voice echoes.