The Physics of Love

Chapter 31

After dinner I tell mom and dad I'm tired and retire to my room. I know mom doesn't buy it, but I can't care less at the moment. She definitely has some kind of antennas and she can pick up every vibration coming from my side, but I'm still not gonna share all of my secrets with her.

Some things should be left unsaid. For example, you don't get home in the evening telling your parents: I just smoked my first joint, it was amazing! And, by the way, we have a rhino in the kitchen.

The moment I enter the room, I run towards my bed and get under the blanket. I curl into a ball, finally alone in my safe place. I'm so exhausted from the mix of emotions piling up since this morning and if I didn't feel this miserable, I would just bury my head in the pillow and drift off in a second.

What should I have done differently? Maybe I should analyze everything from the beginning and find the critical point where things got wrong. Like a software engineer looking for a glitch. Yes, that's exactly what I'm gonna do. I'll think like an engineer I aspire to become, I'll survey, decide and fix whatever there is to be fixed. It's not late to make amends yet, right? And if everything's already in its place, I'll feel much better. It's that simple. So here we go...

The series of events starts unfolding in front of my eyes, from the first to the last moment in that infamous hallway. I try to arrange the images chronologically, but it's hard to control a torrent of thoughts and memories. Some heartbreaking melody would go great with this masochistic plan. NickCave maybe? Nah, that's too dark. We don't wanna go self destructive. Depeche Mode? That could actually lift me up; I'll save that for later.

So what are the crucial moments? The one when I fell hard for him? When was that? The first day of school maybe, when he came over to introduce himself? Probably. And from then on things got deeper and deeper. He'd grown on me so fast and so easily, I don't think there was a moment at which I could have turned things around. Should I have said to myself that he was just a jock and that things would end up in the familiar scenario? Maybe I would have if he was just a jock.

Crucial point number two? That night at Derek's place when we danced and then he kissed my neck. Was I supposed to ignore that? Of course not. What's next, pretending you haven't noticed someone grabbed your butt? No. He showed me then he didn't think of me as a friend only and it was my right to discuss that.

Next, my announcement that I'll do what it takes to be with him. Hmm... This, so far, appears to be the best runner for the glitch title. Could I have played this differently? Sure. There was certainly a way and a shred of strength in me to resist a guy I was so smitten with as if a storm had passed through my body. But I didn't really see a reason for that at the moment of temporary madness that beguiled me into thinking I was a grown up, mature person who can do what she wants, regardless of consequences.

And last, but not the least is today's hallway scene when I decided to breach our little contract and let the common sense be preferred over a teenage momentary whim. Do I feel guilty for changing my mind after I led Ted to believe things are gonna play out differently? Yes. Do I think I came off as a flake for doing so? Definitely. Do I pride myself on making the right decision and would I do it again? Yes and yes. He didn't bend his rules to make me happy, did he?

There! Survey done, decisions made, no fixing necessary. I have no reason to mope around and dwell on my situation because there is none. I'll get past the whole thing thinking rationally and prove I'm a grown up that way. Maybe I should play that music now? Nah, it will give mom a reason to check in on me. I should feel better without it too.

I sprawl across my bed waiting for the relief to come. But instead of vanishing completely, that unsettling feeling in my stomach turns into cramping. My heart starts to pound and soon afterwards, I'm choking with sobs, tears gushing out of my eyes in streams.