Memories, Scars and Survival: High School Years

Chapter 18 - Einar

He looked into my eyes. I felt like he was trying to discover something about me. I felt ashamed of myself and looked away. "Sometimes people do things to themselves they are not proud of. You aren't weak. You did whatever you thought you had to do to get to today. But today you're where you're meant to be. Your family is here showing their love and support. If you let us, we will all help you. What do you say? Will you let us all help you? Will you promise not to harm yourself again? To tell someone when you are feeling bad and need help?"

I looked away again. "I'll try."

"I don't want you to think I'm coming down on you. This isn't to criticize or attack you. But I need you to do more than try. Your hands are a part of you. An important part. The hands have a lot of bones and other moving parts. They can be tricky to repair. You have already told me you experience tiredness and tightness in you hands, this is why. Stop now before you need surgery or permanently destroy your hands," he said.

"Yes, doctor," I said, still ashamed. "I'm sorry, mom. Please don't be mad at me."

Mom turned back towards me. "Im not mad at you Cas, I love you. I don't want to lose you." I gulped and nodded, too ashamed to speak.

"Einar, I'm going to ask you something, and please be honest with me." He waited for me to respond. I nodded. "Have you ever thought about suicide?"

I didn't know if I should be honest. Will they lock me up in an institution if I tell the truth? Looking back and forth between them all but also preventing myself from looking into their eyes, mom said, "It's alright, you can tell us, I won't be mad."

I nodded yes, too afraid to say it aloud. "Have you ever created a plan or tried to end your life?" the doctor asked.

I nodded no sincerely. "As a Catholic, I would go to hell if I did." I thought about what they say in church happens to people who do that. This life is terrible enough. Surely, having my soul torn apart for eternity would be worse.

They seemed to believe me and I hoped that was enough. "Ok Einar. Thank you for your honesty. I'm going to speak to your mom. If you need anything, please press the call button," he said.

"Thank you doc," Grandma said.

Grandma sat next to me and held my hand while mom walked out of the room with the doctor. It seemed like they were out there for an hour before mom came back. Mom switched seats with her mom.

"Look into my eyes," she said. Once I did, she continued. "There is nothing you can do to make me stop loving you. Or supporting you. You are my son."

"Ok, mom," I said, looking away in shame yet again. I was having a hard time looking her in the eyes. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry. It's your father's fault," she said.

Mom stayed with me for some more time before leaving to pick up Eirik. I thought she would return with him, but she didn't. Grandma stayed with me and we played card games together for the rest of the day.

Long ago she taught us a game she calls Bull Shit. Each person has four cards. All four remain turned over in two columns of two. You want the top two cards and bottom two cards to match each other to cancel each other out. I know the game has another name, but we love her name for it. It's the only time we hear her use profanity, and it seems so special.

Mom returned before visitation ended and we watched the Red Wings game together. I know she isn't a big hockey fan, but she still cheers along with us. The next day took forever and people kept coming in to bug mom.

First was the lady from child protective services again. She spoke with mom outside in the hall. Mom also had to talk with the doctor again while they took me to get what I hoped would be my last scan here.