bros (a bxb story)

Twelve

"I thought you liked her. Did you just not like being tied down? Too worried about your body count?"

Now he was just trying to piss me off on purpose. Even if he still seemed weirdly flat, like talking was too much for him.

"Asshole. No. I don't care about that shit anymore." I hadn't for quite a long time. "You know that."

"You're a very confusing guy these days, Jimmy. I don't know what to think anymore." He curled back down, staring blankly at the TV.

I almost got up and went to my room. But I didn't. He was acting weird.

"I didn't care because I really didn't want a girlfriend. She was okay. Way nicer than any other girl, but, I just didn't ... I don't know."

"Why did you ask her out then?"

Was I really going to talk to him about this? I thought about what that girl Kerry said. About saying things out loud. If said them to anyone, Sammy would be my first choice. He was a good guy. My friend. He would listen. He wouldn't judge me.

"Cause that's what I thought I'm supposed to do. I wanted to be like Cody and Stella. I want to be a good guy like him. All through high school, I thought there couldn't be anything better than fucking a ton of girls. And when it happened, I wasn't happy. I didn't like it." I couldn't believe I was saying all this shit to him. "I didn't want to be that guy anymore. I didn't even know their names. What if some of them felt like Ivy did with Jeremy? Like what if they thought having sex with me was like...the beginning of a relationship and then I just blew them off?" Literally.

"Yeah, you were a total dick," Sammy muttered.

"I know. I know. And I was partying so much. You know. You were the one who got me to ... get my shit together. Making me go to class. I thought having a girlfriend would help me be the guy I wanted to be. A good guy. A nice guy ...normal."

I rubbed my hand on my leg, like I was rubbing away something filthy.

"You are normal Jimmy. And you are a nice guy." He looked over his shoulder at me. Blinking slowly.

"Whatever. What do you want to watch?"

He shrugged and threw me the remote. "I don't care. You choose."

We watched shit on TV for an hour. I kept scanning him out of the corner of my eye, wondering if I had enough guts to ask about Alma, and Mateo. But I didn't. I was afraid of his answer. Afraid of what it might mean for me. What if he asked me the question I didn't want to answer? I kind of almost said it to him, talking about Ivy. But I didn't. I hadn't said it yet. The actual words. I felt so scared.

"I guess I'm gonna get ready and go to class," I finally said. "You want this?" I tried to hand him the remote.

"Nah. Just turn it off. I'm going to try and sleep."

"You're really not going to class?"

"Nope. I don't feel good, Jimmy."

I was an idiot. "You're sick?" I leaned over to touch his forehead. He kind of flopped over onto his back, the blanket falling off the couch, so I saw his bare chest, his legs on either side of me. I was practically on top of him. Which might have made me feel a certain way, except his face was flushed and his eyes were glazed.

"Hi," he said to me, touching my face.

"Jeez, you're freaking hot!"

He smiled. "I bet you say that to all the boys." And sighed, looking away, embarrassed by what he'd said milliseconds after he said it. "Sorry,' he mumbled.