Only Him

Chapter 18

Since my heart was broken it was grief that came in waves, my mind cycles through emotions faster than lightning can strike. My mental state has gone from stable to rocky in an instant. All my different emotions compete with each other, each of them dying for dominance. 

The relationship me and Draco once shared feels like a faint echo in the distance that I am struggling to hear anymore. It feels like a knife in my heart that never leaves, though hopefully in time the edges will dull.

These days I go to class with my head down but in the afternoon I just sleep. I try to get work done, or hang out with friends or even go outside and take a walk but all these coping mechanisms are just a thin veil over my trauma and I know the smallest setback could change my emotional landscape. The evenings are the worst, where I have nothing to distract myself with. The sadness wells up, uncertainty rushes through me and I feel the pain all over again. Sleeping is my only escape.

However, I do my best to make it through the days, it was hard but it did it. The toughest thing was to see him everyday in classes, in the common room and the dinning hall just carrying on with his life. He's tried to talk to me multiple times but each time I avoided him. When he looks at me all the amazing memories that we made together come flushing back to me and my heart breaks all over again.

I was in the library trying to study when Hermoine came up to me. "Finally, there you are. I haven't seen you these past two weeks" She said worryingly sitting down next to me.

"Oh, yeah sorry I've just been a little busy, that's all" I lied but I didn't want to tell her about my relationship with Draco even though I'm sure if I talked to someone about it I would feel better.

She still shared a worrying look which I ignored. "Why haven't you been to any of the DA meetings?" She then asked.

"Oh yeah, sorry I just haven't been able to come, quidditch practice and all that." I answered while still writing so I didn't have to look at her, as I wasn't a very good liar.

"Okay, then tell me why your eyes are all red and tired?" She said pointing to my eyes. She was right. I looked horrible, I hadn't slept much and my eyes were all red and puffy from crying.

"No reason, I'm fine." I defended calmly.

"Lara, what happened?" I didn't say anything back. "You can trust me," She said in a reassuring tone.

I sighed, giving up and looking at her. "I trust you, but I'm afraid you'll judge me." I admitted honestly.

"Lara, come on I would never judge you." She put her hand on my arm as comfort.

I contemplated telling her for a second. As much as I want to keep our relationship a secret I really need to vent. Screw it. "Okay, ever since Christmas I've been in some sort of secret relationship with Draco Malfoy." Her eyes widened and she didn't say anything "Hermoine, please say something."

"Sorry...um why Draco?" She asked surprisingly calm.

"Okay, I know you're not going to believe me but deep down he is an incredible person but he puts up a barrier to everyone else so the world just views him as this stereotypical bully." Which I guess sometimes he can be if i'm being honest.

She rolled her eyes. "Lara, he's dangerous," Hermoine said more seriously.

I groaned in frustration. "No, he's not, that's just what he wants everyone else to think" I defended him, wait why was I defending him. He just shattered my heart. I can't help it though I still want him in my life.

"Hold on, I'm confused. what's upsetting you then?"

I paused, not wanting to say it, knowing that I'm just gonna sound like a hypocrite considering I just convinced her he was a good person. The words got caught in my throat. I hadn't said it outloud before. I usually can't even think of it. "He um-, I caught him kissing Astoria" My voice cracked.