The Player, The Game

Chapter 6

I woke up to the sound of Bob Marley playing on my radio, immediately feeling relaxed. I got out of bed, and walked over to the sliding door at the front part of my room. I opened the curtains, unlocked my sliding door, and stepped out onto the balcony.

A gust of wind hit me, and blew my hair in all directions; it was pretty windy today. The sound of the waves as they crashed on the shore relaxed me even more, and I sat down on one of the wooden reclining chairs I had on my balcony.

I felt so at ease, the wind blowing in my hair and the sound of the ocean waves taking all my stress away. I almost felt normal.

I quickly got up, and went back into my room. I went to my bedside cupboard and opened it, crouching on the ground, scrimmaging through all the books I had in there.

I finally found it! My primary school diary! I grabbed it and went back outside, retaining the same position on my recliner.

I opened it up, and read, smiling at what thoughts went through my mind back then. I laughed; I was so innocent. A feeling of nostalgia washed over me, and for a second I wished I could have that innocence back. Until I remembered that it didn't get me anywhere.

In my diary, there was so many times I had a crush on a guy, and I felt victorious that I finally had the confidence to talk to them if I was interested. I skimmed over the contents, smiling and feeling accomplished as I did.

Until I came across Stacey's name.

What happened with her and Tyler was the reason I gave up being shy...but that was only part of the reason why I am the way I am today...

*

I laid there staring at the ocean, until my mind finally got back to reality. I had school today! I got up, not wanting to leave, but happy that when I got back home, this view would still be here.

"I wanna love you...everyday and every night!" Bob Marley sang.

I sang along, feeling actually happy. I just wish it would last.

I got dressed for school, made my bed, and closed my sliding door, saying goodbye to my little section of paradise. I grabbed my backpack and I was off to school.

Wendy met me at the gate, looking particularly happy.

"I have an epiphany!" She almost shouted at me.

I laughed. "What is it?"

"I think you like Liam and might be keeping him longer than you normally do!" She said, looking satisfied.

"I have kept him for longer than I should have..."I mumbled.

"I think this might last." She said, smiling.

I kept my mouth shut, thinking about what she just said. This did get complicated sometimes, but I had a knack for making things very simple and straightforward.

We walked together to every class, I tried to sleep a bit in math but got caught. I never got caught before, was I weakening? No.

A mix of classes and a lunchtime later, I found myself in the presence of Liam. We had decided to go to the park together straight after school, and we were walking there now. The park was four blocks away from school, and it was mostly forest and not enough park. I liked the forest, so I wanted us to go for a walk there. We walked on the sidewalk, Liam talking to me about his passion for Fifa and how he just knew he would beat me. As long as he didn't know that I let him win, his pride would still be intact.

We got to the park, a huge arch was the park entrance and it said "Wood Park", a lame name for a park that was more woods than park itself.

We walked under the archway, and I walked him to the path that was in the forest. As we walked amidst huge trees, it was dim, the only sunlight getting to us was the sunlight that managed to get in through the tiny gaps of the trees.

Liam held my hand, and it felt wrong.

This whole thing felt so wrong, and it wasn't fair to either of us. I was going to make it right.

*

I stopped us walking any further, and faced him. I put my hands on either side of his face, and gave him one, gentle kiss. I moved my lips to his ear, and whispered:

"That was our last kiss."

I let go of his face and turned around, not wanting to look back at him. I followed the path looking up towards the sunlight that came thought the trees, hoping that the warmth those little sunbeams gave me would never fade, because I needed it. I felt so cold, especially in my heart.

*

That night, I went out onto my balcony again, this time watching the waves against the backdrop of a starry sky. I felt relieved, but numb at the same time. I didn't really feel anything for Liam, it was just all an illusion. It was an illusion to him too, because I could never be who he wanted me to be, and I could never make him happy. That's what we all truly want, we just want the illusion of being loved.

But my love was tragic. My love was selfish.

I had let go of another distraction, and that was both good and bad at the same time. I saved him from getting too attached, but I made myself vulnerable, too.

Vulnerable to the feelings that haunted me....

I couldn't shake off the nagging thought that I was wasting my time with these distractions, though.

I was just so tired of everything, and I needed something real.