MAY, conrad fisher

twenty-one

Chapter twenty one

Anticipatory grief; Something you feel in anticipation of death. 

Everyone always talks about the grief you feel after losing a loved one. Like how I felt when I lost my dad. There wasn't any way that we could know that he would die that day. The thing is, no one talks about the grief you feel when you know someone is going to die before someone dies. That's what we're all feeling right now. 

We all drove straight home. I drove Jere and Conrad home because I knew neither of them could drive at that moment. Conrad, Jere and Anna were all downstairs together. Belly, Steven and Laurel together. Me and my mom together. Jack said he needed some time alone, so we let him go. I was curled up in bed with my mom, hugging each other so tight that if this were any other situation, I'd push her off me. She was trying her hardest not to sob, but every time she looked at me, she couldn't stop the tears. Every time she cried, I cried because it just sunk in even further that this was all real and wasn't a dream. 

"I'm so sorry, b. I can't believe I didn't know you knew," my mom cried. 

"How were you supposed to know I knew, mom?"  I pulled her closer to me and let her cry in my arms because I knew that was what she needed.

The door to my room opened, and I saw Jack walk in. His eyes were all red and puffy, which broke me even more. 

"She's not going to get better, is she?" he asked. 

My mom shook her head, "no." 

Jack came over and sat next to us, joining our hug. That's when we all couldn't contain it any longer; we sobbed until we couldn't anymore. 

Conrad's pov: 

"I'm sorry this is how the night turned out. I never wanted you to find out like this," my mom spoke. We were all sitting on the downstairs couch. 

"Mom, you're going to do the trial, right?" Jere asked. 

"Uh, no, honey, I'm not, I can't. Chances are very slight, non-existent, really and I just can't go through that again. it was too hard the first time." 

"But you can try, right? you have to try." Both of them were trying to hold back tears. 

"I just want to be me when I go. Does that make sense?" 

"No. This doesn't make sense none of this makes sense." 

"I know, I'm not good at this. Mommy's not good at this." 

My mom reached to grab my hand, "I should have known that you and b knew. I just didn't want to believe it." I was trying my hardest to hold back the tears that were building up in my eyes. 

"Mom, but if there's any chance you have to. You have to come on, tell her Conrad." I didn't answer, I kept looking ahead, trying not to burst into tears. "Why aren't you saying anything? Come on, you have to try. You can't give up on us." 

"Mom, can't you just. Can't you just try? for us, mom," I said. "I need you." 

She pulled us into her and held us close. I let out my tears and took a deep breath. It finally had sunk in that this was all real. 

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May's pov: 

Dinner at Cousins. Somehow every time we have dinner together, I always feel better. I stop worrying about all the shit that happened earlier that day, or that's going to happen in the future because all that mattered was that we were all together.

After dinner, I followed Conrad up to his room and sat on his bed. 

"Do you wanna go to the cubby for a smoke?" he asked. 

"Of course," I smiled. He got changed and threw me a pair of his sweats and a hoodie. After we were changed, we told the others we were going to the beach so they wouldn't come looking for us and then went to the cubby. We walked up the stairs to the second floor and sat on the balcony, dangling our legs off the side. The sun was setting in front of us as we looked out onto the beach. He pulled a couple of joints from his pocket and handed one to me before lighting them. 

We both took a deep inhale, "I can't believe she said yes to the trial," Conrad spoke. He finally had a smile on his face. 

"You did it. You changed her mind," I said, taking another hit from the joint. 

"Well, it wasn't me it was Jere. He did it." 

We sat in a comfortable silence as we finished off the joints. Conrad threw his finished joint on the ground and took a deep breath, "I'm sorry I told you. I shouldn't have told you. I put all that pressure on you." 

"Connie, stop. I'm glad you told me. I'd rather share the pressure than find out you were carrying it alone," I said, placing a hand on his.

"Thank you b." 

"For what?" 

"Everything. For sitting with me for hours while I'm fucking crying, for smoking with me, for being nice to me, accepting me, giving me butterflies every time you say something, for loving me," his eyes teared up, but he still kept that smile on his face. 

I smiled back at him and pulled him into a hug. We sat there, embracing each other for ages, until he pulled away, holding both of my hands and looking me in the eyes.

"This might not be the time, or maybe it's a perfect time, but I really need to ask you," he spoke. 

"Okay, go on," I smiled. 

"Sorry, I'm not good at this, and this might be really cringy but fuck. May Barron," he laughed. "Will you be my girlfriend?" 

My face lit up, and I could feel my cheeks become hot. At this point, I didn't think he wanted to be anything or put a label on us. "Are you serious? Of course I'd love to be your girlfriend." 

A small blush crept up his cheeks, and his smile grew into this big cheesy grin, "Thank fuck," he laughed. He moved his hand to the side of my face and pulled me into a deep kiss. It felt passionate and made me feel nothing more than love. After he finished planting other small kisses all over my face, he rested his face on mine so we could look directly into each other's eyes. His hand was still on my cheek and his other one around my waist with my hands in his hair. Our noses were touching as we admired each other. 

"Fucking hell, Connie I'm so in love with you," I smiled. 

"You should feel how in love with you I am," he smiled back. 

Authors note: 

THIS BOOK IS OVER! STOP! (i cried so much writing this chapter)

I hope you guys enjoyed this book as much as I enjoyed writing it. 

Thank you for all of the support that helped to keep me going!

Check out my other books and give them as much love as you gave this one. 

THANK YOU I LOVE YOU ALL :)