Words I've Kept

Again

Tonight I saw it for the first time in months.
That tall building where I nearly lost you
My thoughts began to race, as rage claimed me as it did the night of.
I don't say often enough how I love you and the fear I felt on that drive.
Everything takes me back
it drowns me in emotions once more.
Every urgent care is regret that I have for not knowing what should have been obvious
Every ambulance is anger for what you deserved and were wrongfully denied
Every helicopter brings grief, striking preemptively as I hope you land on our ground instead of flying farther than I can reach
I recall my panic
I remember my fear
I feel my anger
The rage that boils and burns masks the relief that should be undeniable as you stand beside me
I still cry at the possibility
I still shake at the memory
I still hurt each time as dread drowns my head in the bold remnants of my wounds
I can't fathom such loss
I can't control my reaction to it yet
it still burns
it still weighs
it still hurts
I have some fault but at least I see redemption
though she with most fault only seeks to appoint blame and hide behind appeals for sympathy
for her I have none
I have no desire to reconstruct this bridge, now ash, as you stand on your end eith gas and matches in hand asking me, hands chained behind my back, how I could do such a thing
and especially to you
to you who by claim did the best you could
but what remains when you best is worse than others on their worst days
why are you living on excuses like you need them to breathe?
do they filter your outlook?
why were we the product of narcissistic heathens?
how do we flourish from such beastly blood
lineage means nothing to futures yet I feel like to rear my own would be dooming something that should be beyond control
I long for it
but fear will keep me from pursuing
I wish to redefine family
I wish to dream about the happy times but they're so hard to find and feel in this cold, thick fog that we have been given
I want to wash it away
I want to forget
I want to feel
I've become so numb and well at wearing masks
emotion and health are easy facades to wear when you know sorrow is better left unseen
I didn't ask for this
this life that I am told can only be called precious or sacred
this void and lack of raise that I'm told is to fade with self love and experience
this trauma that is to heal with time and aid
this sickness that draws me I and says "forgive, because it's easier for everyone else if you smile through it"
am i not allowed to feel?
I made myself numb so that others could live unscathed
did the nights I cried alone help?
did the words I left unsaid help?
did the wrongs I left unknown really keep us together?
did that matter when we ended where we now stand?
Why did I abandon myself for the happiness of those who did me wrong?
will I do it again?
Not if remain angry
but that's not strength
even so it ensures results
but that's not closure
it still is progress
but it's not healing
salt can help wounds if applied correctly
but it still hurts more
not if I'm numb
but you never will be
...

I want to leave you behind.
I want to find the Moon.