Today I kneel before my journal with a heavy heart.
My heart beat slows and breathing fades into silence
I no longer want to hear the thrum mocking me each day
I pray for the day that the echos of each rise and fall of my chest torments my ears no more
I want to dive beneath the sea that screams with my mistakes and never look for the sun.
Caught in the endless storms I am left to wonder what I do that allows each days history to repeat itself in this hellish manner
I could spend the rest of my days preaching and praying amends and find no scrap of forgiveness
I know none can be expected from hateful hearts but I long for no conflict as it exhausted my soul.
I have no interest in begging for a new start
I know what's been written is important for what the next pages may offer but I also don't enjoy all that can read looking back
But who does?
Is there one that walks among us who is happy with every page they've passed?
I truly believe it impossible.
I don't believe I'm perfect, I find no reason to claim a form of superiority
To do so is vain
I only know and claim to be human
I hold on to the title I was born with
Though I was born with a heart that beat a different tune I found no luster in this
Though I have lived in heartache and silence I never will say I've had the worst of this world
I am often reminded that mistakes will forever be given the attention that compassion and selfless behavior deserve
There is no mercy in the social practice
Those who mind their own aren't safe from the headhunters that only seek to gain eyes in their own direction
Those who do good are saught out and exposed by the pages they have long since left behind
Those who don't care for others rise to top for being cruel
There is no crown
The number of eyes is insignificant
There is no kingdom that will kneel at your feet
There is no humanity between humans
There is no compassion nor compromise
We play the game for our own
We walk the world for ourselves
We attack because we are told that is how we become the strong that survive
We cannot defend properly because any attempt to do so is called a lie or admition
We are condemned for any progress
We are beaten for any success
We are told there is greener grass but never given direction to the other side where it lies
There is no room for saints
The sinners have overcome
I look out the window and wish for it all to be done
I long for a swift end
Tommorow is coming and I hope to never see it
I was promised I was allowed to dream
How many fibs can one heart take?
How many more stones will hit me before I break?
How many night will I cry?
How many days will i long to die?
If I could truly be anything I want
I'd be dead
No silver lining can be seen from the bottom of my darkened self worth
No light will shine here
No melody shall play
Blind, silent, and hopeless I will fade into shadows
At last I sleep for good
No more beats to be heard, the rise and fall will cease
A name to be forgotten
Helpless, Hopeless and Hurting I will disappear
A person lost
No more conflict, No more grudges
A last word spoken
Farewell
YOU ARE READING
Words I've Kept
PoetryThis is my coping mechanism. I love poetry and feel like it's the only anchor for me some days. I thank those who have me strength to share. I write about Trauma and dark moments of my life so if those aren't for you neither is this.
