No Choice (Eruri)

Descent

With wide open eyes, Kjell stared into the darkness as he lay on his bed, listening tensely to the voices outside the door. Actually, he had hoped that Levi had stayed here. That he had only misheard their words on the way here. But now, as he was listening to their words in front of the door, he knew he had been right.

"An affair? Is that what you're hoping for?" Levi's words came through the door to him.

With a sigh, he turned away, covering his ears. He didn't want to hear the answer.

For a moment, he just lay there, trying to suppress the feeling that was spreading through his chest, but the jealousy grew stronger with each breath.

With another sigh, he wrapped his arms around his body.

"You really should have drunk less. Then I wouldn't have to drag you huge chunk back now," Kjell could still hear Levi's words through the door before their footsteps moved further away. And this was the moment he knew that Levi would not return to this room that night.

He had already sensed that there was something between the two of them. More than simple camaraderie. In the last three days, he had noticed how Levi had repeatedly stolen into the library instead of spending time with his comrades. That he had spent almost every free minute holding the notes Erwin and Moblit had made for him, just to learn to read and write as quickly as possible.

And he knew there was something more as Kjell had seen him eagerly practicing the dance steps in the empty canteen late into the night. At that moment, he had been sure that it had not only been his sheer eagerness that had driven him. Levi probably hadn't even been aware of it, but Kjell was convinced that he had done it primarily to impress Erwin. And Kjell knew all too well that Levi was one of the few who would actually succeed in doing so.

Finally, there was silence around him as the commotion in the hallway died down. But it didn't take long for the silence to overwhelm him. He could still feel the alcohol in his veins, even if the effect was not as strong as it had been an hour ago. Even on the way here, he could have easily walked by himself, but he had continued to pretend to be asleep so as not to interrupt their conversation. He didn't want to be the one they would avoid from this moment on, just because he knew more than others by chance. Even more so, he didn't want to deal with Levi's displeasure.

He sat up and ran both hands over his face. After hoping so much to have been wrong, he was now sitting here in the dark. Alone. This would have been the perfect opportunity to have a few quiet words with Levi and tell him how he felt. If he had turned him down, Kjell would have blamed it on the alcohol the following day. But what was he telling himself anyway? He would never have had a chance. Why would someone like Levi be interested in such a greenhorn like him? Especially not when he could have someone like Erwin at his side. Intelligent, tall, and handsome. Kjell had none of that to offer.

He cursed inwardly. This was the second time Erwin had thrown a wrench in his plans this week. And it just made him mad to never be able to even begin to hold a candle to him. But he appreciated him too much to show this anger or even take it out on him. He would always get the short end of the stick anyway, even if Erwin was just a simple man from the Underground.

Kjell gave a frustrated groan as his thoughts began to circle over and over, while he just couldn't find any peace. And with each passing minute, he wondered what Levi was doing with Erwin for so long. Was he responding to his advances, or was he in the process of explaining to him that he didn't really know what to do with men? However, the last thought was no consolation because seeing Levi with a woman, maybe even with this Alice or with Lily, did not comfort him either.

With an angry sound, he burrowed face-first into the pillow and jumped up from his bed. Slight dizziness seized him, and he had to hold onto the top edge of the bunk bed. He was probably even drunker than he would have thought after all. But that didn't stop him from walking towards the door and leaving the room. He desperately needed fresh air because he felt like he was suffocating.