I'm Blind Not Fragile

Chapter 24

I don't know who reached toward the boxes again first. But both of us were more than willing to accept the distraction of home memories and ignore the trouble we were facing.

Pawing through her box Erica asked, "Eric what's this? I think it might have been your mom's." she held up to me a leather-bound book. With my mother's name scrawled across the front in an over exaggerated font.

Grabbing it from Erica I opened it to the first page. It was dated just before I was born. "It's my mom's diary. I never knew this was here." I pawed through the pages. In some places, the words were written so quickly it was hard to read, but all in all the journal was in great condition.

"Should you read it?" Erica questioned. And I wish I knew the answer. I was glad she hadn't asked if we should read it. Some things I need to do on my own. But at least I know she'll be there for me.

"I don't know. What if she writes about having sex with my dad? I know it happens at least one more time or else Raine wouldn't be here." I wrinkled my nose at even the thought.

"Of course, that's where your mind goes. But you were so young when your mom passed. Don't you want to know what she was like? What she thought in her life? How much she loved you?"

"I know how much she loved me." I didn't need to read her diary to know that, every memory I have of her told me that. But maybe I should read it. Because I know Raine would love having a new link to our mother. And she couldn't read it on her own.

"I think I'm going to read it. Tonight." I admitted. I didn't want to disclude Erica, but I felt like this was something I needed to do on my own.

"Ok. Let me know if you want to talk after." She used my shoulder to stand up. I followed her up as she started walking away. She turned around at the door. "Thank you, Eric. I love you, and I'm here for you. Let me know if you need me. I'm only one call away." She kissed me and walked out the door. With my mother's journal still in my hand, I sat on the couch and started to read.

Her writing is more ranting at the beginning than anything else. Everything her husband did to upset her. Her pregnancy getting more and more uncomfortable, while Howard made things worse by being distant and at times cruel. I was surprised to read in her journals that Howard wasn't even there when she gave birth to me. He tried to get there in time but came 2 hours after I arrived.

The journal got sadder, as my mother slowly grew into a depression. She wrote how much she loved me, but baby Eric was consuming her life. She wouldn't leave the house for weeks at a time. And day by day she grew more lonely because her husband came home from work less and less.

She writes how she needed to get out of the house so badly that one day she found herself resenting me for it. I had to stop and breathe at that point. Knowing how much I destroyed her mental health made me want to hug Erica, and I silently vowed to never leave her to raise our future children alone. My mother finally worked up the courage to call a babysitter to stay with me one day so she could get a couple of hours to herself. My cries haunted her as she left the house.

She went to the coffee shop near the brownstone just to sit in the company of other adults. And this is when the most shocking thing happened. A man sat with her. She described him as charming and attractive. And so willing to listen she found herself opening up to him. I never heard about this, and a couple of pages later in the journal, I realized why.

Although their relationship started innocent enough, He listened to her as she explained how lonely she was. He helped her understand that it wasn't her baby she was angry and resentful at, but her husband. He listened to her as if what she was saying mattered when nobody had ever really done so before. And she listened to him as he struggle with the many responsibilities he had and how he couldn't let his family down. It didn't say exactly what he did but it sounded like he was a businessman.

My mother and her mystery man were friends for weeks before things turned romantic. And romantic did they turn. I had to skip a couple of pages because I didn't want to read my mom gushing about a man who wasn't her husband.

She wrote about bringing me with her on some of these dates. How much, "Patrick" as she called him, was kind to me. In the journal, I read something heartbreaking, that Patrick had probably held me more than my father had. Their love affair lasted for years. A great deal of my mother's notebook was during these years. Of how she was going to leave her husband and Patrick would protect her. My father had made it absolutely clear she would not be getting out of their marriage easily.

Patrick seemed like an incredibly good man to my mother and as I read the journal it was clear they both loved each other. So where is this man? Where is the man who helped my mother through her darkest times? Why don't I have a stepfather?

It wasn't until the very last page that I read something that shattered my whole world.

"I'm pregnant again," She wrote old tear stains marking the pages. "I pray that I can get away before Howard realizes she isn't his."

The book fell out of my hands. Oh my god

Raine is my half-sister.

I stood up quickly. Not knowing where I was going, but need to get away from that journal. In my haste, I knock over a box and out spills a stack of identical notebooks.