I'm Blind Not Fragile

Chapter 20

On my 10th birthday my mom died getting on an earlier flight because I had thrown a fit about her missing my birthday. 10 was supposed to be the big one. Double digits! I was a big kid, at 10.

Now here I am. Sweet 16, and my mom isn't here. She wasn't there when I started middle school, or high school, she wasn't there to talk me through my first period, she won't be there if a guy ever thinks I'm cute and worth all the trouble that swirls around me like a hurricane. My mom missed all the important milestones in my life. And my father's right: it is my fault.

I've been living this fake life for years, acting like it wasn't my fault. Changing my name to Raine so I could get away from all the guilt Gertrude felt. Blamed all the things wrong in my life on other things. My father didn't love me because he's a horrible person, my brother is distant because he has a lot of stuff going on, Brandon left because something else made him, my mom is dead because of a faulty plane.

And yet, there is only one common factor in all of these tragedies: me. Trying to pretend that none of this was my fault is something Raine does. Tough fearless Raine, who protected her loved ones, and doesn't take shit from anyone. Gertrude is a scared little girl who ruins everything. She is such a horrible daughter; her dad hates her, her brother tries to stay away from her because he never asked for the burden of raising her, her only true friend who knew everything about her left, probably because he'd seen enough to know that he didn't want to be seen with a girl like me. And Gertrude Lewis killed her mom.

I thought after my mom died I had a thousand open wounds, but they healed and became stronger and tougher than before. Scar tissue. But really I just put on a mask. My father took that mask and shattered it. There is no more Raine Lewis. Only Gertrude is left. My father helped me see it, he may have needed some time to break through Rain to get to Gertrude but he did. He helped me see who I really am, in his own way. Now I am but a mound of fresh clay to be molded. I won't hide my true self away any longer. Raine Lewis is gone, which is good, my father said that pretending to be strong and confident like her will only lead me to more pain. I don't want any more pain.

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"Gertrude, your father has summoned you to his office," Juniper said after quietly coming into my room. I have been sitting in this room all day thinking about who I was and who I'm not. So many different versions of me exist and I'm not sure which is the real one anymore.

"I thought he didn't want to see me today?" Not that I blame him. I shifted to the side of the bed and sat up, I had taken some pain meds earlier so now it is only a dull throb of pain every time I move.

"Well he needs you for something and I wouldn't keep him waiting. Come on, I'll help you get dressed." Juniper explained.

She helped me into a blouse and jeans, which I could have seen myself but she seemed to have this nervous energy around her, so I didn't argue with her.

We made our way down the stairs and out of my tower. We once again wound through the innumerable halls of the house. I don't think Juniper is diabolical enough to walk me around in circles so I couldn't find my way out, but I did try to run away last time, so you never know.

We stopped outside of the office and Jupiter opened the door to announce to my father that I was there. He told me to come in and Juniper left us alone after that. She quietly closed the door behind her after she told us to call her if we needed something.

"Hello Gertrude." His voice brought me back to yesterday and the hitting as he slowly unmade me.

"Hello father." I responded, knowing he wanted me to call him that.