I'm Blind Not Fragile

Chapter 19

The bed was a welcome comfort. I remember thinking when I first got here that the bed was too soft, too squishy and I felt that I would fall through. However, I know that these comforts are few and far between here.

Yesterday was just full of pain. I regret mouthing off to Howard at breakfast, and god I attacked him. No wonder he hurt me so. He's my father I should show him the respect that comes with that.

No wonder he hates me, I can't follow simple directions. I purposefully was rebellious during that work dinner the other night. That dinner seems so long ago, was it truly only the day before yesterday? I talk back to him, and if I know what's good for me I will stop. He told me as much. I knew now that Howard won't hold back when punishing me. I'm afraid of him.

The door to my room opened and Juniper's swift footsteps came in. "Ah, you are already awake Gertrude." She says softly. "I was coming up here to eat you know that you are to stay in your room today. We should think of it as a blessing. It seems the sight of you might send Mr. Lewis into a rampage." Hearing Juniper's voice ran shivers down my spine. The breathy and quiet sound brought me back to the pepper room.

Yesterday I had passed out from the pain, in the pepper room. The next thing I remember to being started into consciousness by the loud metal door creaking throughout the room. It was Juniper coming to collect me. "Oh my dear poor girl, I wish you wouldn't anger him so." She'd said, "he is so inventive with his punishments." For the first time, Juniper sounded something other than calm. I tried to speak but my through felt like I had swallowed razor blades.

"Shhhhhh, do not try to speak, I am here to make sure you don't get any permanent damage from being exposed to so much pepper spray." She then continued to rinse out my eyes, she forced me to drink water and rinsed my nose with salt water.

I blacked out for a bit during the process, the next thing I knew I was sitting in a chair across from Howard. His raspy breathing was distinctly his. I tried to lean forward but plastic ties kept me secured to the chair. I spat on his shoes, which earned me a good slap in the face.

"Raine, I thought we went over what would happen if you dissatisfied me." He had disciplined, "Now let's continue. You are to treat me with respect, I am at fault with how troublesome you have gotten as of late. I know I've been absent, if I was more present I would have beaten some sense into you much sooner."

"I wish you were never in my life." I seethed. Next thing I knew a sharp pain lashed across the tops of my legs. I shrieked at the surprise and pain of it.

"Now is that really how you should speak to your father, girl?" he questioned, "I know that you are a little mentally challenged so I'm going to teach you in ways even you can understand: You give the wrong answer and you get pain. Now tell me your name." He demanded.

"Raine Lewis," I said. He won't break me, I won't let him. My convictions were easier said than done, because at the next moment another slap of pain came, this time to my side. I cried out, it was much worse than the last time.

"Now we both know that that isn't your real name, is it? Let's try again. Name"

"Raine Lewis." Another slap.

"Give me your hand" Howard demanded, when I didn't give it to him to forcefully grabbed it and put something on my hand. It felt like leather, it was long and skinny on one side, but on the other, it was a square of leather. I wasn't sure what it was and Howard seemed to know this. "This is a riding crop, girl, it's what you use to discipline horses and cows. As you can tell it inspires correction. Now again, what is your name?"

"Raine Fucking Lewis." I took in a shaky breath waiting for when the sudden pain would harass me once again. I waited. And nothing happened. I exhaled the tiniest bit, and the worst hit came as soon as I let it out. Howard must have put his entire body into that swing because when the riding crop slapped my side one end of it cut me. I felt blood slowly trickle down my abdomen. The copper smell invading the room. I couldn't gather my thoughts. After the whip, it just kept getting worse and it started to burn. The cut on my stomach couldn't have been longer than my pinky, but the pain spread across my entire upper body.

Breathing hard, I tried to think. I need to get out. How can I get away? How how how? I pulled against the chair but the plastic ties did not give, they only hurt my wrists. The pain and the fear were overwhelming, every nerve ending in my body was firing, screaming at me to get out get out get out. You will die here if you carry in like this.

When Howard's hand grabbed my face I jerked away from the surprise. The only thing my body knew right now was pain. Pain from the pepper spray. Pain from the multiple whip marks and the cut on my abdomen. Just a touch on my face made me flinch. Howard forced my face forward with his grip on my chin.

"What is your name?" He seethed in my face. I felt a tear fall down my face.

"Gertrude Lewis" I whimpered.

Just thinking about yesterday filled me with regret. I know that set Howard off. It was my fault and today of all days I understand why he wouldn't want to even have to look at me. I tried to sit up in my bed as Juniper silently made her way across the room.

As I tried to sit up, the cut in my side screamed in protest and I fall back onto the bed. My abdomen throbbed with the welts and cuts, I shouldn't have aggravated him so much. He had to teach me in the universal language of pain because I wasn't a good daughter. I'm worthless. My father can't stand me, my brother probably hasn't even noticed I'm gone, and my best friend abandoned me, because let's be honest who would want to be friends with a blind girl like me?

And it's all my fault. I'm damaged goods. I keep up this pretense of being tough and incredibly adept despite being blind, but everyone close to me can obviously tell I'm broken. Why else would they leave me?

Of course, my father wouldn't want to see me. Because 6 years ago today, I killed my mother.