I See Fire

14 | Day 2

Jordan, Irbid.

30/04/21

12:00pm

We didn't arrive our current city till it was 11:30 but the scorching sun didn't deter our plans. It's been two days only but I'm beginning to pick up on the language and Lotfi is helping in his own way. My friends are texting and calling but if I answer one, family will start and I didn't want to be a part of that messy drama.

I can't be blamed for this choice, my family knew better than to cause me so much pain—this was only a fraction of their actions. I don't think they'd be hurt so much.

The outside of my apartment complex smelt like something familiar but I couldn't quite pin-point what it was till he said:

"Roasted nuts."

"What?"

"Over there." He points at a tent in the distance "They're making roasted nuts."

"He's calling me again." I blink, forcing the tears to stay put.

"Who?"

"My brother."

"You never told me you had a brother."

"Brothers."

"How many do you have?"

"3. You?"

"I'm the only child remember?"

"Oh." a message comes in. I was too tired but I was curious which wasn't always so good.

It read:

What have we done Zayda? Things have happened. Our family is breaking apart and you just left selfishly. I miss you so much but I can't take it anymore. I need to move on if you're not coming. Tell me if you plan to stay where you are forever.

Primary school you were always the one saving me from bullies while Nadine was one of the bullies; I was only exempted because I was her brother.

I'm sorry about Imad. Nadine is the reason I messed things up for you but don't worry she won't be bothering you now. If this news makes you happy please come back.

Mama is loosing her mind and Baba is going to no ends to find you. Why did you even run away in the first place? Have I ever been bad to you?

Granted I always chose Nadine over you and even sided with her when she was wrong but everyone has their reasons for doing things but please don't take that aggression and punish us with it.

Everyone is not doing so well. One by one, I think everyone is going to suffer. I feel maybe it's karma because of how we never showed you enough love. I know I deserve it, I only showed mine when no one was there or only with Usama and Amira.

Things I want to tell you but I can't say because it's not my place. Daddy is always tired from his several travels and searching for you. Mummy is so lost, she acts like a ghost and only interacts when she has to.

I just want to say, you don't have to come back if you don't want but know we want you back. Amira and Usama have been crying nonstop. I might've shed a few drops of tears too but I'm a big man so I won't do that no more. Also Nadine is....

I closed the Instagram app and swiped it without finishing the letter. By the time I'd locked the phone my heart was filled with so much worry. Do I want to go back now? I'm not sure but I do miss Amira and Usama and our parents. I pretend to be alright just so Lotfi won't worry as I try to be more lively in the conversation.

"Yes." He smiled "Do you have sisters?"

"Yes, 2."

I almost ask again but I remember my mistake and keep quiet.