The Why Behind What We Feel

Chapter 19- I Know

I am not looking forward to depending on other people to take care of me for the next few weeks. I've always been the one taking care of people. I'm a nurturer. It's what I do.

Not to mention, my grandma is not in any shape to be taking care of me. She should be resting and worrying about her own health, yet she hasn't left my side in days.

I'm grateful, of course. I'm grateful to everyone who has had a hand in helping me recover; Lizzy, who put off moving to New York for a couple of weeks so she could help care for me; Mr. Brewer, my boss, and Mary...

Sweet little Mary, who has been through more than any nineteen year old girl should have to go through, is helping to take care of me.

And then there's Aspen. He's the one who rounded up a rotation of sorts so I would have around the clock care, and my grandma would get the rest she needs.

I wish she'd take advantage of their help.

I've been laying in my old bed back at grandma's; a bed I haven't slept in for probably over two years now. I'm in constant pain, but it's dull and more annoying than anything. I only move when I have to- to go to the bathroom or when the physical therapist comes by and makes me.

Laying here with nothing to do but stare at these lavender walls has given me a lot of time to think. I've been thinking a lot about what happened and of course, the why behind it. Do I really feel like I was supposed to get crushed by a deteriorating radio tower? No. But do I think something had to happen in order for me to make up my mind about my immediate future? Yes.

I was debating my move to Baltimore ever since my grandmother was hospitalized a few weeks ago. I knew I couldn't leave her, but I didn't want to give up such a huge opportunity unless I absolutely had to. I was even considering moving her with me. She would've hated it there, so that never would've worked out. She was born and raised in Louisiana. If you've never been here before, then maybe you wouldn't understand why that's such a big deal. But if you have? Or especially if you come from the bayou? There's no other place like it in the world.

I've only told Aspen about my decision to stay here for now. I know when I share the news with grandma, she'll only insist that I go. Since it's not up for debate, I've seriously considered not telling her at all and just letting her figure it out when I'm still here in August.

I jump when there's a knock at my door. "Come in!" I call out quickly, excited to have some company.

I smile when Aspen comes in. He's been taking such good care of me, but I hope he's still taking care of himself too. From the looks of him though, it doesn't look like that's the case. His dirty blonde hair is disheveled, as if he's been pulling at it or running his fingers through it over and over. His eyes are tired and heavy.

"Hey there," I grin.

"Hey beautiful. How are you feeling?" he asks, coming over and sitting on my bed next to me.

"I'm better today. Just bored out of my mind."

"Yeah, I can imagine," he chuckles halfheartedly.

"How are you feeling?" I ask him.

He takes a while to answer, as if he's giving it some thought. "I'm fine."

"Don't lie to me."

He looks at me and furrows his brows.

"I know you're not fine. I can tell. What's going on? Did something happen?"

He sighs, rubbing his hand over his face. "I'll be fine. Let's just worry about you for now."