just thinking about you.

deja vu

keep driving

"You came..."

I whisper into the silence, now sober from being trapped in this small space with him.

"Because you called."

His voice is stern, he doesn't offer any more of an explanation.

So many questions swam around in my brain...

When did you come back?

Why did you come back?

Did you think about me?

But,

"I'm surprised you still have the same number," was all that came out.

"Am I taking you somewhere in particular?"

He ignored what I said.

"No, just keep driving."

Again, he didn't say anything and just nodded in response. I didn't like the silence, it was unnatural.

"So, when did you-"

I tried to ask a question but my stomach picked the perfect time to let me know that I was starving.

"There's the diner up ahead, we can stop there to get something to eat, it'll help sober you up."

"Ok."

----

Nervous was an understatement.

I waved deja vu washed down on me as I looked down at the table.

We'd both order the special,

- Pancakes w/maple syrup

- Hash Browns

- Egg Whites w/no yolk

He had a coffee, but I opted for orange juice, I was already jittery enough.

"Go ahead."

"Mmm?"

He slightly chuckles,

"You haven't changed a bit, go ahead and ask me what you wanted to ask in the car."

I swallowed the eggs I had been chewing, and took a sip, now wishing there was something a little stronger in my glass.

"When did you get back?"

"A couple of days ago, I'm back in town for my parent's 40th anniversary."

"I see..." I didn't really know what to say next.

"How's the husband, are you still at your mother's house?"

"Technically, it's my house, yes, and I'm pretty sure by now there's no husband by now."

I say the last bit a little lower.

I look up to see him processing what I said.

"I'm pretty sure there's a story there."

"I realized I wanted to be happy."

He clears his throat and continues eating.

"-you were right."

He stops.

"About what?"

"Everything...she wouldn't have wanted me to do what I did, she would've wanted me to be happy no matter what, so you can say."

"Say what?"

"I told you so...you were right."

"Do you think I wanted to be right? That I wanted you to be unhappy? Sure I never wanted you to be with someone else, but if you eventually found happiness...I made peace with that, I loved you enough to let you go."

"You loved me?"

"I never stopped..."

----

"My grandparents are in the guest room, so you'll have to sleep in mine."

I follow him up the stairs and into his room.

It hadn't changed much, you could tell a few items were missing, probably at his house, but other than that it was the same room from our college days.

"This is all I have here that you'll be able to fit, there's an extra tooth brush in the bathroom."

"Thanks."

I took a minute to collect my thoughts before exiting the bathroom in the pajama pants and tank top that was still several sizes too big.

I decided to keep on my bra, not wanting to flash my side boob.

I crawled into bed and he turned off the light, both of us feeling the elephant in the darkness.

"I never stopped either, no matter how much I tried, and believe me I tried."

"Why didn't you call me sooner, I would've come back."

"And continue to hurt you? I couldn't be what you wanted me to be, my pride wouldn't let me."

"Did he hurt you, is that why you were crying tonight?"

"Oh gosh no, like I said, we really tried to be happy and he was a nice guy...I was just in love with someone else."

"You should've called sooner."

"I was afraid you wouldn't want anything to do with me."

"I don't blame you for doing what you thought was right. I've always admired that about you, your selflessness. Our situation was; is complicated, but I'll always love you, no matter what."