just thinking about you.

half empty

little freak

When I walked up she was sitting on the porch,

wine glass in hand,

yoga pants,

and her hair was thrown up into a ponytail, a few braids falling to frame her face. I stood there for a while, watching her before she noticed my presence.

Her eyes cut to my direction out of paranoia.

She visually relaxed when she saw it was me and looked over my attire which consisted of a tux I wore to a banquet a couple of months earlier.

"You're late, you know, the party ended hours ago."

I smile to myself, it's like her to make fun of me even if we haven't spoken in months.

She laughs at her joke, gosh I've missed that sound.

I quickly push out words to stop the bile from rising in my throat. Right now I want her to feel the way I feel, but I know I'll regret it later.

"Shouldn't you be with your husband, celebrating your engagement tonight?"

Her tipsy giggle stopped, and what I said seemingly sobered her.

"You know it's not like that."

I mumbled under my breath.

"What was that?"

"Nothing."

"Hmmm.." she takes a sip from her glass and continues looking onto the field, her green eyes glowing in the darkness mimicking the blue lights in the sky.

She notices me staring.

"Do you need something?"

I cleared my throat,

"No."

"Are you thirsty? I have ginger ale in the house."

"And how would you explain that to him?"

"I was thirsty."

"But you already have something to drink."

"I wanted something else."

I shake my head.

"I'm fine."

And awkward silence falls between us.

"I know you have something to say, so go ahead and get it off your chest..."

"Are you happy now?"

She pauses before responding.

"I'm happy that mom is finally getting what she needs..."

She takes another sip.

"Are you happy?"

"What else do you want me to say, what else do you expect from me?"

I shake my head.

"I knew this was pointless."

She looked up at me.

"Then why did you come?"

"Because I-"

I started walking closer to her, before stopping, scared to finish what I desperately wanted to say. She walks down the stairs stopping right in front of me.

"Because you what?"

"I want you, damn it! He doesn't deserve you."

She looks at me with tears in her eyes, I brush a delicate strand of hair from in front of her face. As her eyes close in response I helplessly watch the teardrop trickle down her face.

"I told you, I can't be what you want me to be, I'm not that same little girl anymore, life is hard."

"Don't you think I know that I would have supported you, I will support you?"

"Your family would pity me, you'd pity me."

"You know that's not true, and for the love of God, I don't care what they say."

Frustration was peaking through in my voice now.

"That's a lie."

I sigh in defeat, taking my hand that was now pressed against her cheek, down to her shoulder, tracing her birthmark.

She looks down at my hand and smiles sadly.

"You used to do that when we first met."

"I know."

She turns around as the light goes off in the house.

"You have to leave soon," she says.

My fingers stop tracing and I look directly into her eyes.

"If you leave, I won't keep watching you live your life. Not when I know you deserve so much more...it hurts too much damn it. It has to end tonight."

My hand drops down to my side.

She looks at me for a moment before turning around, grabbing her wine class off the step, walking into the house, and closing the door behind her.

She never looked back.