Transgendered: My Story

Im not okay

I feel like useless trash. My sister keeps telling me how I'm a nobody who doesn't deserve what I do have that I should have just stayed at my moms. that I'm fat and unworthy, I'm just a girl I will never be a boy. that I'm just a fuck up who can't find any friends who are willing to stay besides the stupid fakes on the Internet. That I'm not Alex I will never be him and he isn't even real.

My dad sees and hears all this but says he can't do anything about that she will do whatever she likes cuz he can't punish her because it won't work. it's like I went from being my dads favorite to his least like able kid.

The world is falling apart all around me and I can't hold it all together anymore. I'm never happy anymore and I'm suppose to deal with my two sisters hitting me constantly and me not being able to do anything about it not even raise my hand to them without getting in trouble.

Today I was eating a yogurt after not eating at all for two days and my sister told me that I shouldn't eat so much so after taking a couple bites I covered it and put it back in the fridge. it's like no one sees the thing I do right and only the things wrong I could be getting straight A's and my dad wouldn't notice but once I get a C my dad flips his shit.

I have bruises from my sister sitting on me when I say in the spot she was in before she got up to use the restroom and I didn't know this. she kept just pinching me harder and harder everytime trying to get a reaction out of me and when I didn't she pinched me to the point I bleed. I finally just pushed her off of me. thank god dad wasn't home or else I would be in major trouble for that.

It's like hell living here. my dad uses the excuse that he is too busy to text me or tell me he cares. because his customers come before me. but he has the time to let my sister be late for school after she had to wait for her school pants to wash then take her to the coffee shop less than a block away from my school. (note this is my favorite place to get coffee) he then had the balls to text me not one not two but three pictures of my sister having coffee with him.

Me just playing around with him told him that he is gonna get me some coffee when he picks me up for my therapy appointment after school. he flat out told me that I don't need that coffee and it's too much money for him. when he picked me up for therapy he took me to the gas station next to the place I get therapy and said to get a soda and when I asked him if I could get my favorite kind of chips he said that I don't need to eat them all the time even though I haven't had them in over a month. in the end I payed for my own chips and soda before he could put a block on my debit card.

He says he cares for me and the worker who comes to the house to work on issues says that he does too but it feels like a lie to me because of all the stuff he does and everytime he fights with me he goes out and tries to buy my love with items which used to work when I was younger but not at all now. I mean what's the point of having things when you feel unloved to the point of depression?

I really don't know what to do anymore. I feel bad for ranting about this even if it is what this little journal thing is for.