The Marriage Counselor

24. Are We Free?

Henry

"How are you so calm about all this?" She asks in that small voice of hers.

It's Friday Afternoon. Agent Hansen has arranged to meet with them here later today. When Samantha heard he wanted to do it here instead of in a public place, it sent her into a spiral. The request in location only added to her increasing worry.

Why does he want to do it here? Are we safe? Is it to give us bad news? What if he only has bad news? What if it's really bad? What if we've made it worse somehow? These were all the questions she asked within a matter of seconds before she went into a full panic attack. He's seen her through several of them in their previous sessions. There were some topics they would discuss or get close to talking about that would trigger her. It was that, or she'd shut down completely. She was always in fight or flight mode.  But this morning, she was feeling it all. The tears kept coming, she was shaking, she couldn't get out of bed, she couldn't stop worrying about all that could go wrong, all the things that stood in their way, then came the guilt she inevitably always felt. She started apologizing to him for things she didn't need to. Then she was pacing again.

She had gone to get a glass of wine— which he tried to talk her out of. He trusted her to make her own decisions. She was fine to drink but he didn't want it to be the automatic response to feelings like this or have any association. So he bargained. She could have the wine if she came downstairs with him to have some breakfast as well. She would need to feel nourished and energized for later. I need you to take care of yourself for me, he had told her. He held her hand as she picked at the scrambled eggs and pieces of toast. It took about an hour to get her to eat just enough. Mostly because she'd start crying, which he was always there to wipe at her tears and hold her. He promised her it would all be okay.

Now they were here. He'd gotten her into the bath finally because she didn't want to shower. Sitting next to the bathtub in his black trousers and button up, sleeves rolled up, he uses a soft sponge to run water up her back. He kisses her wet hair as he shampoos and conditions it.

"I'm not calm. About any of it." He says truthfully. He has a lot of feelings and they're intense. He nearly killed Cody on the Fourth of July. Thinking about his actions towards Samantha that night, it makes his hands ball into fist at the thought. But he needs to be strong for her. He needs her to know that he doesn't regret any of this, that he's not going to give up or walk away, that he loves her and will continue to choose her every day.

She looks up from her empty wine glass. A single tear slides down her cheek. "I'm sorry I'm such a mess."

"Hey," His voice is soft and he stops rinsing her back off to gently take her face into his hands so she'll look at him. "Everyone's a mess, okay? Believe me. It's how people like me stay employed."

This causes her to laugh and it makes him smile. He continues, "Do you know that you're my favorite mess though? That I wouldn't want you any other way? There's nothing I would change about you. You are... so many things, Samantha. I wish you could see yourself the way I do. You're... so raw. You feel everything so deeply and it's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen because most of us lose that or become numb to the world. You're strong, stronger than anyone Ive ever met. Look at you. You've taken on a family that practically owns this city and then some. You've stood up for yourself against these despicable people. You've managed to survive all the shit they threw at you for years. You're brave. You're kind. You're smart. You're funny. You're amazing in bed." This comment makes her blush. "You're complex. You're curious. You're open minded. There's so much more I can say and if you let me, I will spend the rest of my days telling you how amazing I think you are."