Alva

Part 51

ALVA

My darling girl,

If you're reading this, then you must have had your first shift. My sister must have told you things, things that may seem very strange to you at first. Things that may throw your whole life off its axis. But do listen to her. She has much to tell you. So much to teach you. Everything that I will not be able to do, she will. 

This was the only way I could think of to speak to you. By the time you're born, I won't be here anymore but I want you to have this. To hear me out in the words that I've left for you. I didn't plan any of this. I didn't plan to bring a child into this world. But you are not a mistake. You are a blessing. 

You are my blessing little Alva. There are many stories I want to tell you but for now, I'll start from the very beginning.

You come from a bloodline of one of the greatest Alpha to ever live. My Great Great Grandfather was a menace. He was ruthless and showed no mercy to anyone who defied him. He single-handedly built our pack up from scratch. We were feared by our enemies and even by our brother packs. It was always bone-chilling hearing the stories of how he slew hundreds of vampires and conquered one pack or the other. My Grandfather followed in his footsteps. We had strict laws that not only kept us safe over the years but also kept us feared. When my father, your Grandfather, became the Alpha, a lot of these laws started slipping. 

Things that never went wrong, started going wrong. We were attacked more frequently, members of our pack broke out, some went rogue, and some joined other packs. My father saw the destruction of our pack but he didn't want to believe it. He didn't want to be a failed Alpha. He wanted to be feared much like his father and his father's father. 

But my father was never a coldhearted ruler. He loved his wife and his children. My grandfather never paid attention to his wife or children. It was always a power struggle for him.

My father tried to rule differently. He tried to rule with his heart and his mind. But in the war of our world, you had to be cold as ice, or you'll be stripped bare of any power you think you wield. My father had many people after his life, after his title. His hope of passing the title to his son was slowly dwindling. He needed power. He needed alliances. 

In our world, marriages were used to form alliances. My brother married for an alliance. Martha was the only lucky one to marry of her own will. I ran away before I could be sent off to marry someone I don't know. 

At the time I ran away, I started to doubt my decision. I wanted to go back home. The human world felt too surreal. I wasn't made to walk amongst them. I felt alone. But did I regret my decision to run away? No. Never. It saved my life. Gave me a new one. 

Martha probably wouldn't tell you this, but I never became a full werewolf. On my 18th birthday, it should've been the day that I turned for the first time, but nothing happened to me. I was as plain as the humans I surrounded myself with. But that night, I wasn't entirely unhappy. I remember thinking to myself that if I didn't belong with the wolves, I might as well make myself human. But who I am, that part of me will never leave me. I was born that way, shift or not. 

That night, I met your father. I'm not entirely sure I should be calling him that since I never saw him again but he did father you. He was pale, like every one of his kind. Stupid me, I knew what he was, I knew he was the enemy of my kind but I wanted to not be a werewolf so bad that I went with him. I slept with him. One night with the vampire. When I woke up the next morning, he was gone. It was something out of a book. He left me a note, at least he was chivalrous till the end. 

I would describe that night and morning as the worst days of my life. I, the daughter of a great Alpha, stooped so low. I could already see the disappointed looks on my parent's faces. I planned to never go home after that. Little did I know that I wouldn't have a home to go to anymore.

Some days after my night with him, I found out I was pregnant. It's supposed to be genetically impossible for a vampire to have children, much less with a werewolf. Well, half-werewolf since I never got to turn. After I found out that I was carrying you, my chances of becoming one died. I was angry, I was sad, I was scared. I felt a lot of things all at once. what made it worse was that I had no one to talk to. I couldn't turn to the humans because they are not supposed to know about us. I considered going home but I knew I would be cast out as a rouge, and my father would be disappointed in me. Even his love for his children can protect them from our laws. His control was slipping, the last thing he needed was a rouge daughter pregnant with a vampire's child. 

I went into a fit. I destroyed things. I did stupid things. I even tried to end my own life. I didn't want to live in a world where I was unaccepted on all sides. I only thought about myself. I was selfish. I didn't stop to think about the life growing inside me. The little life that didn't ask to be here but was.

I couldn't stop crying and feeling sorry for myself. Then one night, I had a dream. I dreamt of a white wolf with ruby eyes, standing beside it was a little girl. Her dark hair cascaded down her back. She stood with the wolf, as one. It was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen. I've never seen a white wolf before definitely not with red eyes.

Then next, Martha found me. We lost. Our family was lost. My father, my brother, his wife, and children. The entire pack was gone. Martha's husband. When she and little Kyle walked through that door, my world shattered again. I was irrational, I never thought anything through and all that ever got me was loss and shame. But I don't think I ever truly regretted my choices. 

If I could go back and do things all over, I would still run away from home, I would still have met your father and been with him, but I would have gone home even if they would kick me out in the end. I guess that is the only part I would've done differently.

My choices may have been poor, irrational, and dumb, but they all led me to where I am today. Through my choices, I had you. I lost my large family but I got you. But I also learned that family should always remain important. The choices we make are not meant to be perfect, they are meant to shape us into who we become.

The door to my room was pushed open and Kiara walked in, breathing heavily.

I closed my mother's journal halfway and looked at her, raising my brow questioningly, "Kai, he's back."