TRIGGERWARNING (The Less Intense Version)

CHAPTER TEN ELLIOT

5:55 am
Friday
(Explicit mention of self harm)
Oh god, another morning, but the thing today was that I woke up with the biggest pain because of the hits from my Stepdad. Also, I had to get my moms makeup to cover up the bruises. As I looked at the clock, I realised it was way to early for me to get up. At least it was an Angel Number though, maybe that would give me some luck for the day. I put on my binder and a hoodie, as always. My life isn’t really that spectacular, I went downstairs and turned on the TV. When my mom came downstairs, she asked why I was up already, I just pretended that I fell asleep in front of the TV. She then softly woke me up, oh how I missed that feeling. She prepared me breakfast, and this time I really ate it. I felt bad and good at the same time, I was proud of myself for eating but also, I felt guilty. Still, I didn’t restrict the rest of the day, all I thought about was school right now. I had to hurry to get to the bus, but I still caught it. As I got on it was already that overfilled that I couldn’t get a place to sit. So, I stood, sometimes my pants felt tighter, I though it was because of the food. Then I wanted to adjust them and realized they were my old pants from three years ago. Oh god, a whole day with to tight pants that would be hard. I got off the bus with a backache because of my heavy schoolbag. Slowly but still stressed I went into class; I pulled my sleeves up and the whole class stared at me. Not because of my scars, but because I had forgotten to cover one bruise on my arm. Instead of really getting to my seat, one of my classmates stopped me and pushed me to the headmaster’s office. He knocked and told the headmaster about the bruise on my arm, he called my mom into the school, and I got sent home. My mom confronted me; I couldn’t manage to tell her that her husband was hitting me on an almost daily basis. Mom kept begging me to tell her until I gave in, I told her everything. How he hit me when I did the smallest things wrong or how he kept screaming at me when no one was there. I went into my room and locked the door because I was so scared, when he would come home and see that I told mom. He would probably beat me to death, I was so scared because of many things. First because of my Stepdad and second because of mom’s reaction and what she would do now. I just called the love of her life out; did she hate me now? I cried so hard, I ran into the bathroom and grabbed the first razor blade I could find. I sat down on the bathroom floor and couldn’t see anything because of my teary eyes. The razor blades were shining in the bathroom light, I took the blade and put it onto my skin. I didn’t know what to do, I pressed down and felt the blade enter my skin; the pain was all I needed. I wanted to feel the fuck alive again, but still the cut felt not enough. I did it again, but this time I pressed even harder, I screamed on the inside and felt like this was the only way to escape the pain I felt. As I looked down at my wrist I saw blood dripping from the first cut, but the second one didn’t turn red or white it was yellow. I took it way to far this time. I almost passed out, quickly I got paper towels and cleaned the floor. Then I pressed a fresh one onto my arm to stop the bleeding. I sat there for ten minutes in tears and also kept pressing down, when the bleeding finally stopped, I put a bandage over it. I put my hoodie on and still felt like an emotional wreck. Why did all of this happen, and why to me. Didn’t I already suffer enough?