TRIGGERWARNING (The Less Intense Version)

CHAPTER FOUR ASH

7:04 am
Wednesday
The morning, oh how much I hated it. The morning meant the night was over, and that meant I had to be tortured through another day of school and hate. Even though I was trying to concentrate in school, but thanks to my ADHD I kept zoning out. That was bad, since I didn’t pay attention in school, I had bad grades. And my mom totally hated me for it. My mom screamed and shouted at me, as soon as I came home with a grade worse than a C. Anytime this happened, I had to study till late night. While thinking about this I had already gotten dressed and was ready to go. Mom was already gone anyways, and my dad was on a business trip for two months. I would have the whole day to myself, and yet again I would just watch TV as I knew myself. My sister Kim was on a school trip, and Sara was at her boyfriend’s house. What would I do? After daydreaming what I could possibly do today, I realized it was time to catch the bus. I ran out the house and almost forgot to lock the door. I ran as fast as I could, and when I arrived at the bus stop, the bus wasn’t even there yet. I was chill about it until I realized I was ten minutes late, then I concluded that I had missed the bus. God how much I hated myself for that. So, I guessed I´d have to walk. But walking meant I would be late, so I decided to skip the first period. I arrived at school fully sweating, I already imagined what my mom would say when she realized I skipped the first period. I was already questioning if I should just throw myself in front of a car, so I didn’t have to listen to all this crap. But I set myself a goal about a week ago, I wanted to finish high school then I would do it. Nobody would care anyways, I had to little friends that anything would stop me. All I thought about was my mom receiving the call of me being dead, and how she would cry and think what she did wrong. I knew the answer to that question, she did everything wrong. She screamed at me for my grades, she body shamed me, and she was homophobic towards me. But still everyday I got up pretending it didn’t bother me and acting as if nothing happened. But that wasn’t the point now, I had zoned out once again. I almost walked past the school. My first period was half over, and I got to chill in the library. The headmaster had already called my mom, and she was furious as she called me. She told me I was a disappointment and she regretted giving birth to me. Now that was a deep cut, but not comparable to the cuts I had made myself. But we are not going to talk about my IRL Fruit Ninja addiction. That was a different story for a different day. Now that I had heard my mom scream at me at full volume because I forgot to turn it down, I went into class. My teacher looked me up and down, I did the same. After staring at my pants for a legit minute because I zoned out, I realized I had my hoodie the wrong way around. Omg, I was the clumsiest person on this whole fucking earth. My teacher luckily understood the problem and let me off to change, I was going to get bullied for this so intensely. But I didn’t care about that at that moment, I only cared about changing my hoodie. I stormed back into class, and everyone was laughing, but not because my wardrobe was off again but about the fact, I had toilet paper stuck to my shoes. I walked to my seat with a red face. I wanted to vanish so badly at this point, but there was no possibility to, sadly. God how ashamed I was of myself. Why did I have to be so clumsy, just why.