Infinite For Me║N.H.

24-ᴛᴀᴋᴇ ɪᴛ ᴇᴀꜱʏ

𝑵𝒂𝒕𝒂𝒍𝒊𝒆'𝒔 𝑷.𝑶.𝑽:

I was sitting on the edge of the stage as everyone was hustling around. It's wonderful really, the way concerts are put together. The actual performing part is small compared to everything else. There's so many small details to remember and fine-tune - what the fans see is only the tip of the iceberg.

I saw someone from the corner of my eye and that got my attention. I turned to look as Niall jumped to sit next to me, kissing my forehead immediately. His head fell on my shoulder while he let out a deep sigh. He was wearing gray pants and a green college shirt, with Vans' on his feet.

I smiled at his simple gestures. I always get butterflies in my stomach when he rests on my shoulder or lap, as cliche as that sounds. "How's it going?"

"It's going", he murmured. "I'm so fucking exhausted still. I'm afraid I'll forget some lyrics or play a wrong song or something", he voiced out his concerns, frowning. "And I- I can't do this. I'm so nervous I feel like I could vomit."

"Hey, you'll do just fine, you always do", I put my arm around his bony torso. "And if you do forget a lyric, it's okay. Everyone understands, you're not robots. As perfect as you all are, you make mistakes too."

He nuzzled his head on my shoulder, and I took his hands into mine. What got my attention was the fact that they were almost ice cold. And shaking.

"Ni", I whispered, a little alerted. "Are you alright?" It was probably a dumb question, but I asked it anyway.

He was silent for a second, before sniffling. I turned to look at him and my heart broke when I saw a tear rolling down his face.

"I can't do it Nat." He sounded frustrated with himself.

It was only now that I understood how serious he was with that statement. It wasn't just some tiredness and fear of messing up a bit.

"Fuck, why am I crying again?" he quickly and aggressively swiped the tears away from his cheeks, but they didn't stop. "I already had a breakdown in the toilet, I don't need another one. But my emotions are all over the place today and I hate it, I don't know why I can't control them. I always can, but not today. I just keep starting to cry every other minute and I hate it." His voice cracked at the end of his ramble.

"Hey", I took him into a proper hug. "It's okay. Do you want me to talk to Paul or something?" I know he'll hate it if he's the reason a concert gets canceled or postponed, but I think everyone should understand that their health comes always first.

"I'll just disappoint everyone, it's not like I'm lying down on a hospital bed."

"It doesn't matter Ni, what matters is that you can enjoy performing. If you feel like today you can't do this, you shouldn't have to."

He leaned his weight more and more on me second after second, like he was slowly giving up on everything. And I felt really helpless, like I couldn't do anything for him, even though I hoped I could take it all off his shoulders. I hate feeling helpless.

 "You think they'd understand? I feel so selfish", he took in a shaking breath.

"Niall", I whispered softly and kissed the top of his head. "You aren't selfish. They'll understand. You being okay comes first. I can go talk to someone."

"Thank you, really." He sat up and looked away, trying to hide his teary face. I didn't want him to do that. "I'll be in the bathroom."

I stood up with him and took a hold of his jaw to get him to look at me. His eyes were dull and cloudy when they met mine. I leaned in and softly placed my lips on his, hoping to lift his mood even a slight bit. He answered without hesitation, like he was so desperate to feel something positive.