Infinite For Me║N.H.

13-ᴛʜᴇ ꜱʜᴏᴡ ᴍᴜꜱᴛ ɢᴏ ᴏɴ

𝑵𝒊𝒂𝒍𝒍'𝒔 𝑷.𝑶.𝑽:

I woke up next to my favorite person ever, hearing her soft deep breaths as she slept. You must think I'm so happy right now, don't you? Oh yeah, I hope I'd feel that. Of course I love this feeling and wouldn't change it for anything, but I feel... numb. And the worst thing is, I have no idea why. I have everything; a good and successful career, the boys like my brothers, a good family supporting me from home, my lovely girlfriend next to me... I guess they're right when they say that happiness doesn't come from what you have.

I shook my head and sat up, sighing. I'm getting too lost in my head, that was way too deep.

But it has truth in it, doesn't it?

I examined Natalie's pretty little face. She's so beautiful

I absolutely hate that the first thing coming to my mind is 'I don't deserve her'.

But it's true

No shut up Niall

For the first time in ages, I don't feel like getting out of bed and on the stage, at all. I can't shook off the fact that most of the girls are there for the other four, not me. I sound so selfish, but if you have a job like mine you'd also hope that you were liked, you know.

I was so happy yesterday after the concert, what happened? I was excited for the next day. But Natalie's leaving today. She just came here, and I have to say goodbyes again? And when we leave to Europe, the time difference is going to cut off from our Skype time.

You know the feeling when you realize there's nothing at the moment to look forward to? Nothing to do that creates excitement. You want to just lie in bed all day, because tiredness like this doesn't go away with sleeping. Yeah? Well I'm scared of that feeling.

I unlocked my phone. Time: 08:17AM, no new messages

I slept the whole night but judging from the dark circles under my eyes, it was pretty restless sleep.

There's 48 boards on this ceiling

I unlocked my phone again. Time: 08:41AM, no new messages. Oh yay, I zoned out I guess. I opened Twitter and found some fans talking about an almost two years old interview. There was a video link so I clicked play.

"So mental health has been brought up a lot lately. I'm asking you guys, how do you feel about that? Do you have any experience about these issues, with any close people or whatever? No need to say any names of course. Just what you're comfortable sharing. What do you think about this? There's a lot even young people who battle with these things every single day", the interviewer asked.

I remember how I felt there on that couch. I've just been pulled out of that dark hole, even though I luckily wasn't completely at the rock bottom yet, and that question almost made me want to throw up.

All of us were quiet for a second, before Liam decided to break the silence. "That's a very hard subject, and I'm just gonna say that I am not completely, totally unexperienced about it. I really hope everyone out there who is fighting with these feelings, reaches out for help. There's nothing embarrassing about getting help, and you're all worth it."

I couldn't watch anymore, I paused the video and tried to forget about the memories it brought up.

You're all worth it, you're all worth it, you're all worth it... They were so happy I got better, and here I am, already going to let them down again. I've cut a few times after relapsing the first time, and I'm afraid it isn't easy to stop anymore.