Walker: Wish To Be A Walker

Chapter 23

TW- Self Harm, Unintentional Attempted Suicide

With morning came the sounds of breakfast being prepared once more, Maddie hearing them as she lay in bed, tears dried on her cheeks. No one could know how she was feeling, this ache inside her heart that was consuming her. Her last words to her father had been horrible words, words she couldn't take back. Oh god… She hadn't meant it, she hadn't meant what she had said. It had hit her last night that her father was really gone, that their last conversation had been her yelling at him, saying those terrible things.

He had wanted to change, now it was too late.

She could hear the Walkers moving around the house and heard Cordell asking Abeline how she was doing. Why would they care? No one cared about her. They shouldn't. She wasn't worthy of concern, or love. Not after what she had done…

Her eyes fell onto her pocket knife and the urge to carve her skin overwhelmed her. She needed to cut, had to cut. She needed to punish herself for those words she had said. Reaching out to the bedside table, she took hold of the knife then opened it and ran her thumb across the blade. No. She couldn't do it in the house and risk someone walking in on her before she had finished. She would have to go out to the barn like she used to when she had been staying with the Walkers before.

Not bothering to change or put shoes on she quietly opened the window and climbed out into the chilly morning. Her bare feet padded silently across the wet lawn, the girl glancing around as she hurried to the barn. No one had seen her leave, no one came out of the house as she stopped to catch her breath.

The horses knickered softly as she entered the barn but she didn't stop to pat them, her mind focused on one thing and one thing only. She came to an empty stall, not bothering to close the door as she walked in. She sat on the thick bed of straw, placing her knife down then began to roll up her sleeves.

I'm so sorry Dad for what I said. 

Four day old cuts had started to heal, it had been three days since she had last drawn blood. The last time she had cut had been the day before he had been murdered, she had broken a plate and he had punished her for it. It hadn't been enough though and after he had left, she had cut before heading to work at the Walkers. 

You are worthless.

Her demons taunted her as she picked up the knife and opened it, taking a deep breath before bringing the blade across her skin. Crimson welled after a moment from the scratch, the drops rolling down her arms.

You aren't worthy of love.

Another cut and another. Longer. Deeper. 

Tears ran down her face. Her father was her whole world and now he was gone she had nothing. No one. She was alone.

Alone.

Deeper. Deeper. 

Blood was flowing freely from her left arm, cuts from her armpit down to her wrist. The pain, it wasn't enough. It wasn't enough to dull the ache in her heart. Her hands shaking, she took the knife in her left hand and started on her other arm.

I wish you never had been born. 

I wanted your mother to abort you. 

I never loved you. 

Her father's words played over and over in her mind as she drew the blade across her arm again. He had never loved her, he had never wanted her. She hadn't wanted to believe it, she had hoped that there was something she could have done to make him love her. All she had wanted was to be loved. For him to love her. To be proud of her.