Walker: Wish To Be A Walker

Chapter 12

TW- Self Harm (Mention about halfway through)

A month slipped by before Maddie finally was able to return to her home, the repairs having taken place while she had been staying with the Walkers. While it had been nice to stay with them, she didn’t want to outdo her welcome and so had been very relieved when she got the news that the repairs had been completed. The barn too had been fixed and thanks to the help she received from Abeline with the garden, the place started to look normal once more.

She still hadn’t heard from her father and though she had asked Cordell if he could find anything on him, his search had come up empty handed. The time though that she had spent with the Walkers, observing how they interacted as a family, had left her with a ton of questions that had gone unanswered. Even though they had their problems, they all seemed to genuinely love each other. If she was being honest with herself, she had found herself to be feeling more and more out of place there. She didn’t belong there, with them. She wasn’t part of their family…

And so, wrestling with those thoughts and emotions, she hid behind a fake smile. She was a master of disguise when it came to keeping secrets, she didn’t want people to know the real her. If they did, they wouldn’t want to stay… Yes, the Walkers had been kind to her, letting her stay with them while her home was being fixed but she had convinced herself she needed to keep space between her and them. She had already allowed herself to get too close and ultimately in the end, it would only be her that was hurt. She didn’t belong with them…

Even though her mind reasoned she would get hurt, her heart yearned for the love and care that she had received from Abeline and the rest of them. Even though there wasn’t a person on earth who could replace her mom, she had become quite close with the matriarch of the Walker clan. When she was with her, she felt safe. It was something she hadn’t felt in years and then with that realization, she questioned what she knew. Her father didn’t make her feel safe, he scared her most of the time. Why then, did she want him home so badly?

She didn’t know, couldn’t figure out those questions and so instead had thrown herself into doing as much work as she could so she didn’t have to deal with those uncomfortable ponderings. Every time they went in to work at the Side Step, she would go along to help out. It had taken a lot of hard work for it to be completed but when it was finally finished, she was just as proud as the rest of them. She had done something, accomplished something that meant something. 

And so, she kept working and waiting. Waiting for her father to return home. When she was alone with her doubts and demons, the blood flowed freely from her skin. No one knew of the battles that raged within her mind, no one knew of the struggles she fought on a daily basis. On the outside, she seemed to be happy and carefree but on the inside, she was just a broken child begging to be loved and wanted. On the other hand, she had to keep everyone at arm's length. There was no sense in having her heart broken. She wasn’t one of them, wouldn’t be one of them. There was no sense in wishing for something she couldn’t have. A real family and a real home.

~~~~~~

'Maddie, would you mind passing me the sugar?' Abeline questioned, stirring the simmering mixture on the stove.

'Sure-' Putting down the strawberries she had been chopping she pushed the bag over closer to her. 'I never knew so much work went into making strawberry jam.' 

'It's not a five minute job, that's for sure.' She poured another cup of sugar into the pot. 'How are you going with those strawberries?'

'Almost finished-' Her phone started ringing and she pulled it from her pocket, her face lighting up as she saw the caller. 'It's my Dad calling me!'