Finding Heather

Year 4 Chapter 7

Author's Notes: I'm going to add a trigger warning for depression in this chapter. Purging is a thing that happens, it's never fun and almost always goes hand in hand with a lot of negative self-feelings and depression. That's what Harry's going to go through this chapter. This won't be an easy chapter for me to write, having gone through that many times myself. If anyone is going through this, please reach out to someone for help. You don't need to go through it alone. If you decide to skip this chapter, I'll write a brief recap at the beginning of the next one so you don't miss anything.

Harry Potter and everything magical in his world belongs to JK Rowling, not me.

Chapter Seven

Harry awoke the next morning and couldn't remember where he was. After a moment everything from the night before came flooding back to him. Tears welled up in his eyes again at what Ron had said. Once he'd calmed slightly, he pushed himself up into a sitting position and opened the curtains on his bed. Ron was nowhere to be seen; in fact, the dormitory was completed empty. Harry got dressed without any energy. He chose not to wear a bra under his clothes, and chose one of Dudley's old grey sweaters to wear. He felt it matched his mood. As he walked down the boy's staircase, he debated just skipping breakfast. He wasn't hungry, and didn't feel like facing the rest of the school. To his surprise, Hermione was standing here waiting, with a stack of toast in her hand. She suggested the skip going to the Great Hall and instead go eat out on the grounds. It was a cold morning, the first day of November, and winter was on its way. They walked down by the lake past Hagrid's hut and the Beauxbatons carriage, not speaking until they had reached a tree near where Harry had cast his patronus last year. "I just want you to know Harry, I don't think you entered yourself in the tournament." Hermione said, breaking the silence."You don't?" Harry asked"Of course, there's no way I could have after seeing your face when your name was read. But we do need to think about who did put it in. Because Harry, I agree with Moody that it couldn't have been a student.""Have you talked to Ron today?" Harry asked, biting off a piece of toast, changing the subject abruptly"I have, yes. I ate breakfast with him earlier." She answered, her voice dropping a little."Did he tell you what he said to me last night?" Harry asked, the anger from the previous evening returning."No, what did he say?" she asked.Harry told her, repeating what he'd said word for word."Harry, that's horrible." Hermione said, reaching out for his hand. "He had no right to say anything like that. But...""But?" said Harry, turning to her, "But what Hermione?""He's mostly upset about the tournament. He's jealous of you.""That doesn't give him a right to say things like that to me! And what do you mean jealous? He wants to look like an idiot in front of everyone?" Harry spluttered, his anger breaking through at her."Of course it doesn't Harry, what he said was mean and terrible. But, it's always you. You're the Quidditch star, the Boy who Lived, and he just feels like the best friend who gets overlooked. It also hasn't helped that since he doesn't know about your other life, the two of you have somewhat drifted apart." She said cautious."Well, tell him if he wants to be the Boy who Lived so bad, I'll let him stand in for me anytime. It's loads of fun." Harry fumed bitterly."I'm not saying anything to him. This is between you two to sort out." Later on that day Harry and Hermione moved to the library, thinking it would be the best place to stay out of sight from the rest of the school. Hermione had told Harry to write to Sirius, letting him know about what had happened, then they both decided to get started on homework. Ginny found them there, and after reassuring Harry that she didn't think he'd entered himself either, told them, "I've just given Ron a piece of my mind.""What do you mean?" asked Hermione."He was sitting with Fred and George in the common room talking about you, Harry. He said some awful things, and I heard what he called you last night. So, I told him to go stuff his head in a toilet.""Good advice" responded Harry darkly, looking up from a Potions essay.Hermione reached out to rub Harry's back and paused. "You aren't wearing anything, Harry," She said."Yeah, I just couldn't today. I didn't want too." He answered, not looking at her and almost reflexively jerking away from her hand.Worried, Hermione gave Ginny a quick look before saying to Harry, "Is there anything you want to talk about?" Truthfully, Harry had hardly been able to focus on his homework. Everything that had happened last night had left his nerves feeling raw. It didn't help that he was reliving every crack the other boys in his dormitory had made about how he smelled since last year in his head either. The feeling of being ashamed was crushing out any spark of happiness that tried to light inside of him. His chest felt heavy, as though breathing was difficult. But it feels so right kept going through his head, but another quiet voice, which was growing stronger, kept answering, But it's not supposed to feel right. Blokes don't wear dresses. He could tell that Hermione was waiting for him to answer. He tried to put into words how he was feeling, but eventually settled on, "No, I'm just tired is all." The next week did nothing to make him feel better. Ron wasn't the only person in the castle who was against him. He'd expected nothing but nastiness from the Slytherins, but the Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs shunned him as well. Soon badges started spreading across the castle that read Support Cedric Diggory and when pressed said Potter Stinks. That Friday, Colin Creevey pulled Harry out of a particularly nasty Potions lesson, with instructions to bring him up for a photo shoot. Dreading this and wishing he could fly away, Harry followed him upstairs to an unused classroom. The other three champions were already there, and ignored him. Harry sat looking around at everyone, a gloom sitting over him, until he was approached by Ludo Bagman and a woman he didn't recognize."Ahh there he is, the fourth champion!" cried Bagman, "Harry, this is Rita Skeeter. She's doing a special piece on the tournament.""And I'd love to get an interview with you" said Rita Skeeter. Her voice had a quick, snappish quality to it, and she was dressed in robes of Magenta. Before Harry could respond she'd grabbed him by the arm and was dragging him into a broom closet. Her Quick Quotes Quill poised on a fresh piece of parchment, Rita began asking Harry questions, from how he felt to have been chosen as the Hogwarts Champion, to what his parents would think if they were alive, even commenting on his smallish size, asking if he thought that would put him at a disadvantage compared to the other champions. As Harry gave one or two word answers, her quill scrawled across the page. Harry wasn't sure what it was writing, but didn't get a good feeling about this. Eventually the interview was broken up by Dumbledore, who very politely and firmly said it was time to start the wand weighing ceremony. Sirius responded to Harry's letter in a few days, telling him to be by the fire in the Gryffindor Common Room at on o'clock in the morning on November 22nd. The prospect of being able to talk to him again was the only bright point in his mood these days. The Sunday after the Wand Weighing Ceremony, Rita Skeeter had published her article and it had been as bad as Harry had been expecting. Where she had gotten some of her quotes from, he had no idea, but she had also tracked down other students who were willing to talk about him.Harry seems to have found love, of a sort, at Hogwarts. One of the girls in his class tells us he's always seen in the company of his fellow Gryffindor, Hermione Granger, but that might not be what it seems. Apparently, our Mr. Potter has taken to wearing girl's perfume. This student reports that "He always smells like roses." Who knows that this means in young Harry's life, I'm sure we'll all be interested to see what the future holds?That paragraph had sent Harry even father down into his slump. It was almost two weeks since the article, and despite Hermione and Ginny's best efforts, he'd had no inclination to cheer up. He hadn't worn any of his girl stuff in weeks now, and was almost ready to throw it all away. Even the sight of Dudley's jumper made him want to throw up, shame and sadness swirling in the pit of his stomach. The school had mostly stopped whispering about his different look late last term, but now that Rita Skeeter had written about it, the whispering in the corridors started again. More and more Harry was taking to using the invisibility cloak and his knowledge of the school's hidden passageways to avoid as many people as he could. He'd even asked Fred and George how to get into the kitchens so he could avoid eating with the rest of the school.Unfortunately for Harry, it didn't stop there. A fifth year he had never spoken to before entered the Fourth Year's dormitory one evening and found three copies of Witch Weekly in Harry's bedside table. It was only with luck that Seamus had walked in just then, before the student had cracked open Harry's trunk. The student ran down to the crowded common room and show the magazines to everyone present. Harry returned that night to find everyone staring at him, and several of the girls giggling. None of that was new and he was trying to ignore it, until he saw what everyone was laughing about. The magazines had been left on one of the tables next to the door to the boy's dormitories, and he instantly recognized him. He tried to put his head down and race for the door, but the laughter and giggling continued louder. It wasn't until Ginny stood up and threatened the next person who said anything about Harry with a Bat Bogey hex that they stopped. Even the older students had heard about her talent with those, and no one wanted to find themselves on the receiving end of it.Safely upstairs in his dormitory, before anyone else came up, Harry pulled his rucksack out of his trunk and violently shoved all of his girl clothes, trainers, make up, magazines, washes, and diary into it. The bag full, he shoved it back into his trunk and slammed the lid shut before climbing into bed and closing the curtains. The next morning, he slipped Hermione a note to meet him in Moaning Myrtle's bathroom, where he thrust the bag into her hands."I don't want this anymore Hermione. I'm done. I can't do it anymore. I'm a bloke and I need to stop acting like a girl." He said quickly."Harry-" Hermione said, looking closely at him. He had dark bags under his eyes like he wasn't sleeping, and she knew he wasn't eating as often as he should."No Hermione, throw it all away! I'll pay you back for whatever you spent on it, but I'm done." He shouted, trying to get past her to the door."No Harry, talk to me. What's going on?" She said, blocking his way."I just can't anymore!" he yelled, his emotional damn breaking, "I feel so stupid. I'm a freak Hermione, I'm a freak that likes wearing skirts and dresses, and I can't be that anymore. I can't keep being the object of ridicule that everyone looks at. I need to be normal, and normal blokes don't wear that stuff." As he'd been talking, he'd slowly sunk down to his knees, tears starting to roll down his face. Hermione knelt down in front of him, dropping the rucksack, and holding his hands as his shoulders wracked with sobs."Harry, you aren't a freak. I told you that the first day I met this side of you." She said quietly"Well, I feel like one." He answered, sniffing loudly."What can I do?" She asked."Throw it all away. I don't want to see it again." He told her, still looking at the floor. Hermione stood up and took the rucksack from where she had dropped it. She took it to a stall at the far end of the bathroom and quickly transferred the contents into her school bag. When she was done, she came back to Harry, who was still kneeling on the floor crying, and pulled him up."Come on Harry, let's go visit the kitchens. You need to eat and I want to be with you." She said, and started leading him out the door. They made their way down to the dungeons and Harry told her how to enter the kitchens. She was amazed to meet Dobby, the house elf Harry had freed two years ago, working there alongside Winky. She'd been very upset when Winky had been fired by Mr. Crouch, and Hermione thought it was good that Winky had made it to Hogwarts. They got Harry settled at a table and a plate of sandwiches loaded up, when Dobby took Hermione aside."Beg pardon, Miss" he said, "But Harry Potter is not doing good." He said, whispering."I know, do you see him a lot?" She asked"Oh yes, Miss. He is here often eating at meal times, but Dobby never sees him eat more than a little, and he doesn't want to talk. He says 'Thanks' and 'Bye' and that's all, Miss.""I'm worried about him, Dobby" She answered, looking over at her friend who was nibbling on a sandwich."So is I, Miss." Replied Dobby. After making Hermione made him eat two whole sandwiches, which was more than he'd eaten at one time in weeks, Harry had to admit he felt slightly better. Hermione led him back upstairs to the library, and the two spent the afternoon working in silence on their homework, doing their best to ignore the whispers and laughs of passing students.