Elliot

Twenty

Minerva's words kept rolling inside my head at night. Love. Why is it so complicated? Tell the people that I care about that I love them. I wish it was that easy.

The moon was staring at me again. I stared back. I can hear my own breathing. Love. Love. Love. What's the thing that makes you difficult to say? Then I sat up and picked up my phone.

"Hello?"

"Hi."

"Hey." I can imagine him smiling.

"I have to say something."

"Okay," he said. "What is it?"

But I couldn't speak. My mouth was open but I couldn't talk. I kept looking at the moon. He might be winning the staring contest. Then Tobias spoke again, "Elliot, what's wrong?"

I sighed. "Nothing."

"What was the thing you wanted to say?"

"I-"

Shit.

"I just want to say good night." There was silence. I can hear him breathing on the other line. And then he snickered.

"You called me in the middle of the night to say good night?"

"Obviously."

"Okay."

"Okay."

"You're acting weird."

"That's because I am."

"Jokes aside, Elliot. Are you really okay?" His voice was very comforting. It's like music in my ears that I would never get tired of listening to.

"Actually, I'm not." I said. "There's something bothering in my head. It's been bothering me for weeks."

"What is it?"

"You."

Tobias was quiet. "Did I do something wrong?"

"No. You didn't." I heard the shuffling on his end. He must have sat up.

"Why am I bothering your mind then?"

I didn't want to have second thoughts. So I just went for it. "Have you considered about getting help?"

There was silence again. "Help? About what?" he asked.

"You know what."

"No. I haven't. And I don't want to."

"Why not? That could help you."

"No, it won't." I could hear the anger in his voice. But he was still calm about it. "I have my medication that's helping me."

"What if it's not enough?"

"It is enough, Elliot," he said.

"Is it?"

I hated being in an argument with Tobias. He's a man full of words. I'm a man full of anger. I'm afraid I would say something that I don't mean just because I'm too fired up with rage.

"You're not in my situation, Elliot. Don't act like you know what I'm feeling."

"I didn't say I know how you're feeling, that's why I'm suggesting for you to get help. Is that so hard to understand?"

"My medications are enough. That's it."

"Tobias-"

"No, Elliot. I said no. I don't need help from anyone. I can do this by myself and I will be fixed in no time."

We were quiet for a minute. I can feel my anger firing up inside me, but I fought the urge to let it out. I didn't want to shout at him. I didn't want to hurt him more. "You do know you're not alone, right?"

He was silent. "I do."

"Tobias," I said. "I will be always here for you. No matter what it takes. Whenever, whatever-you know that. And it sucks to see you in pain. You told me once that you would make my life miserable because of what you're dealing with. I'm telling you now: it's not. It's causing pain, but I'm not a miserable man. You, Tobias, are my happiness. You are the treasure in my life. And I want you to be happy. I don't like seeing you in pain. I don't like seeing you cry. What I like is, you having that beautiful contagious smile of yours all plastered in your face."

It was never in the list to leave Tobias alone. He's a broken man. And being alone wouldn't make it better. My feelings for him won't change, no matter what shit we're going to deal with on the future.

This thing that he's having, I know it's just the beginning. There will be more of it in our lives. But what matters is now. Tobias took a deep breath.

"You don't know how lucky I am to have you."

"No. I'm the lucky one," I said.

"We're not gonna compete in luck."

That made me laugh. And then we were quiet again.

"Think about it, will you?" I said.

"I will."

"Okay," I said. "Good night, Tobias."

"Good night, Elliot." And before I could say anything else, he hung up the call. I am a coward. I am a coward for love.