Elliot

Twenty-Five

I remember bruises.

I remember blood.

I remember pain.

I remember Tobias.

The sun was up when I opened my eyes. I don't remember going home. I don't remember laying down. I don't remember sleeping. I realized that I wasn't, in fact, home.

The sheets were familiar. I was in Tobias' bed. But he wasn't beside me when I woke up. I went outside his room and found him in the kitchen, cooking. His roommate was already eating in the sofa.

"Morning." I said.

His roommate looked at me. Tobias looked at me. He has a black eye on his left eye. And he still smiled. I hated seeing it.

"Morning," he said.

His roommate finished eating. "I'll be gone 'till night, Antoine. Make sure to lock up."

"Take care, Kyle."

Kyle gave me a nod. I nodded back. And he left the apartment. Tobias glanced at me.

"Pancakes?"

"Sure."

It hurts seeing him in pain. He's acting like last night didn't happen. Like it normally happens to him. And I couldn't stand that thought. Him being hurt was the last thing I want to see, yet here he is. Cooking bruises and agony for breakfast.

"Tobias."

"Do you want eggs?" he said.

"No."

"Okay."

"Hey, how—"

"Bacons? Do you want bacons?"

"No, Tobias."

"What about—"

"Okay, stop." And then he did. We stared at each other for a while. "Don't do that. Please."

"Do what?" he asked.

"Act like nothing happened."

"What do you want me to do then? Do you want me to go sit on my bed all day and be sad?"

"I've never seen you this mad."

"Well now you do!" Then he was silent. And so was I. Tobias never shouted, even if there were times when he wanted to. And then he looked away. "I'm sorry," he said.

His knuckles were bruised again. It was deep red. There were a few wounds on it. I don't remember him getting up from the bed and hearing his pain break through the walls.

"You hurt yourself again?" I said.

He didn't answer.

"Why?"

"Because I wanted to."

"Are you fucking serious right now?"

He didn't answer again. He turned off the stove and settled down the breakfast on the counter. I didn't want to eat.

"What the fuck, Tobias? I told you not to do that anymore." I said.

"It's not easy, Elliot," he said. "Sometimes pain could be your friend."

"You know that's bullshit right? Pain is not your friend and will never be."

"You don't understand."

"Then make me understand!"

"I'm fucking depressed, okay! The guy was right. I'm a menace. I would hurt everyone around me and just cause pain to you when I will be having panic attacks and other shits that cause pain. I would be the center of your worry and I would just make your life miserable. I'm broken, Elliot. I'm fucking broken, for fuck's sake, and I hate myself for that!"

I was silent. Then he was crying. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"It's not that easy as you think it is, Elliot. I didn't want to tell you because I was afraid. Not of you. But the thought of you leaving me." He wiped a tear from his face. "I was afraid that once you knew how broken I am, you would be ashamed of me and leave me for good. And I don't want that, Elliot. You were the best thing that ever happened these past few years and I don't want you to leave me."

Now I understand why everything was off from him. Now I understand why some of his smiles are just a mask. Now I understand why he hurts himself.

Tobias was indeed broken.

I walked closer to him. I stared at his eyes. "I won't leave you, Tobias. I will never leave you." I cupped my hands on his face. "You're not a menace and I would never be ashamed by you. You are broken, but we can fix you. Together. You're not alone anymore, Tobias. Always remember that."

"I could've protected you, Elliot. I was there but I failed to protect you. I'm so fucking terrible."

"Hey," I wiped a tear on his face. "you're not terrible. I was there too. I tried to protect you too. And I failed too. None of it was your fault."

"Neither are yours."

He was quiet. He was so wounded, both inside and outside.

"My panic attacks," he said. "I can't control them. I've hurt myself so bad. I'm so sorry."

"It's okay. Everything would be fine."

"I could hurt you, Elliot."

"And I could too. I can't control my anger sometimes, Tobias. 'Of course I'll hurt you. Of course you'll hurt me. Of course we will hurt each other. But this is the very condition of existence. To become spring, means accepting the risk of winter. To become presence, means accepting the risk of absence.' And no matter how much you think of me leaving you, I would just prove you wrong every single time."

He had stopped crying. I rub my thumbs on his cheeks. He's too beautiful to be in pain. I still wished that I could take it away. And then he smiled.

"I didn't know you read excerpts from a French writer," he said.

"Well your reading addiction is contagious."

He laughed.

"Is that laugh real now?"

"Everything is real when I'm with you."

"Everything?"

"Everything."

I smiled. He smiled. I kissed him. He kissed me back. I hugged him. He hugged me back. I made him feel safe on my embrace. He made me feel safe on his embrace.

The thing about the world is that not every time you will get good treatment while living in it. People could be an ass. And they could be nice too. Sometimes you would fear the world like some ghost you see in the middle of the night. And sometimes you would love it like a golden treasure you found at the bottom of the sea.

But among those things, you could also find something that would make you love the world even more. Even if it would cost you a lot of pain.