After Life

11

The pale gray light of the winter morning filtered into my bedroom through my small window above my head. It was a gentle, soft light that allowed me to wake slowly. And yet, its presence in my room was still unwelcome. The fact that the light lit up my pale walls, my white dresser top littered with random rubbish, and clothes scattered around my floor like little land mines annoyed me just as much as the fact it was waking me up in the first place.

It was now Saturday morning. I had no classes, no responsibilities, nowhere I had to be. And yet, I knew there were things that needed my attention. First and foremost, as the light illuminating my room reminded me, I needed to clean.  I hated cleaning. Mia and I shared the general housekeeping responsibilities of our apartment, but were each required to keep our personal spaces tidy. She, of course, was much more diligent at this than I was. I only got the motivation to clean when I was either incredibly annoyed and needed an outlet, or when I could barely see any of the carpeted floor beneath my feet. Unfortunately my current motivator was the latter of the two.

I had yet to open my eyes, to greet the day with my own brand of morning sullenness. Instead, I went through my mental checklist of things that needed my attention on this dull, winter Saturday as I lay curled into a little ball in the warmth and safety of my bed.

On top of having the clean, I had laundry to do, a small assignment to finish, and some reading to catch up on. Oh, and of course, I still needed to find a fucking subject for my senior project. This was the proverbial gauntlet in which I stood awaiting. Knowing it was necessary to face it, but nowhere near prepared to do so.

I had spent days trying to find a subject that was enticing and thought provoking, and yet, I had nothing. And the harder I seemed to try, the less inspired I felt. I knew I should be giving all my attention to this assignment, both because of its approaching due date and its academic weight, but I felt dejected by it. I was usually one of the first students to find a topic or subject, usually one of the ones always finished first, and with a good outcome. This was the first time in my college career I had been this stuck. And the longer it took to solve this issue, the more depressed and irritated I became with it.

Rolling onto my back, I pulled the blankets up to my chin as I forced my eyes to open against the light in the room. I wasn’t a big fan of dreary days, but they did have the benefit of not greeting me with blazing bright light of a clear days sun in the mornings. At least when they woke me up, it was a slow, gentle awakening. That usually made the fact I had to wake up a little less annoying.

I spared a quick glance to the alarm clock that sat on my nightstand. It was shortly after ten in the morning. Not as late as I usually loved to sleep, admittedly, but late enough I suppose considering the number of things I needed to get done today.  When feeling depressed and irritated, as I had been in recent days, I just wanted to hide away in my room, curled up in the comforts of my bed. My room was like a little protective cave, in my mind. My bed was my friend, my sheets and blanket my family who loved and trusted me. If I left them now, I would break their trust, and no one wanted to break anyone’s trust, right?

Yeah, I make shit up when I’m desperate to stay in bed all day, so sue me.

Listening carefully, I could faintly hear the sounds of Mia in the living room. I hadn’t seen her much the last couple of days, since we had both been spending more time than usual on our studies. She had been out until late evening the night before with a study group, just as I had been at the library then work.