Philia

4

Wrong Direction by Hailee Steinfeld

Jin feels sick. His stomach churning with every thrust, every kiss, every time the headboard bangs against the wall with a THUD and so does his head. Everytime he feels Namjoon breathe against his neck, his fingers on his bare waist, he feels like he's burning away.

Namjoon twitches over him one last time before falling limp beside him. Still trembling and huffing. Trying to come down from his high.

"That was.....that was 'relieving'!" He says still trying to catch his breath and Jin can't help but laugh sarcastically.

'Relieving? I can't believe him- Did he really say that?'

"Haah. Right."

"What, 'haah. Right.'?" It takes all the willpower in Jin's body to not answer that question. Because he knows that if they start talking now...... there's no way either of them will be able to sleep a wink. He knows that way too well. 'They' know it way too well.
So he pulls a t-shirt over his head and swallows down those words.

"Nothing. Just remember- next time you touch me smelling like some DAMN woman? You're taking the couch for a week. And might as well cook dinner yourself!"

"Jin!" He can hear the exhaustion when Namjoon sighs. The way he calls his name, so tirdely. And he knows- God knows, that he he KNOWS it's just the exhaustion of his workplace catching up. But it doesn't hurt any less, everytime Namjoon calls his name like that.
Sounding so tired. Likes he's so done with him. So done with 'them'.

"We've talked about this, already. So many times. It's for work. I do not enjoy the mingling parties or the mixers I'm sent to. It's just so that I do not look bad in front of my boss. They know I don't have a girlfriend and I CANNOT just come out as gay to them. It might ruin my entire career I spent 8 years to build.

Jin, there's only you. Always has been. Always will be. So please don't make a big deal out of this-"

"Of course. You might as well sleep with them to please your boss- You know what? I don't want to talk about this right now.
Just sleep! You have an early start. So do I."

There was a heavy silence of about half an hour before soft snores from Namjoon filled the room. And Jin cried himself to sleep.
Again!

10 years ago if anyone said him and Namjoon would end up like this, Jin would have laughed it off. He wouldn't have believed that in hundred years. But now here they are.

He doesn't get how it turned out to be this way. From, running away from home at the age of 18, so that they can live together forever- to running away from each other and all the unspoken issues of their relationship as days pass by. Just so that they can keep living together for at least one more day. Just a little longer before they fall apart.

People say- Love is blind. Love is dumb. Love is painful. But no one really said Love was a slow death. At least to Jin, that's what it is. And he is learning it the hard way, as he wakes up every morning to see off Namjoon who returns back every night smelling like someone else. And no matter how much he keeps saying there's no one else, a cup can hold just so much water.

"It's kinda crazy how you don't even bat an eye before falling in someone else's arm and still have the nerve to tell me that I'm the only one.
But somehow you always falter, when it comes to actually saying that you love me............. Do you not love me anymore? When did you fall out of love with me?"

Someone you loved by Lewis Capaldi

*10 years ago*