Stealth. (FtM Karl)

Panic

This isn't how it was supposed to play it, this isn't how it was supposed to go. I had thought it all through but the minute he started talking it all went off script and everything just kind of happened.
And now I'm stood here like an idiot just trying to find the right words for something I've told multiple people already without much issue.
But this was just so much harder.

"You alright?"

"Um- yes. Just- give me a moment, sorry." I muttered. I felt so frustrated at myself for not being able to just come out and say it that I think it was showing through my voice.
I was honestly terrified of loosing him, he told me that he likes me and he has told me why and I don't want those words to be taken back and changed, swapped out for new ones that will make my heart sink.

I can prevent this. I can pretend, I can keep being stealth, I can just never let him see my body, I'll make sure nobody can ever tell him, I'll make sure he never sees my legal name till it's changed.

But that's lying. Isn't it?
I can't hide something like that from him.

I feel so conflicted. In my brain, within my thoughts, there is a war. And neither are winning.
But morally I know, I know what I need to do. I know that I just have to tell him.
I need to tell him.

I'll just have to live with the consequences I guess.

"Nick, I'm transgender."

I
Am
Trans.
Why do those words make me feel like a criminal? Like I've just confessed to a crime? Maybe I'm expecting punishment, the universe will make my life hell perhaps?
Maybe I just know, I do, I just know, I know that he is going to reject me. Maybe he'll stand there dumbfounded for a moment, and clearly try to think of a polite excuse.
I don't want to see that.

I started shaking, just from fear. Only fear. I'm so scared of everything. My anxiety is going nuts, my hands subconsciously start to fidget with my nails, scratching at paint like muscle memory.
I can't think, I can't think of anything at all; fight, flight or freeze has kicked in and I'm currently frozen but the flight wants to take over so badly, I can feel the conflict of power between the two.
My eyes start tearing up and I feel suffocated, I feel claustrophobic, I feel trapped and I want to leave, I want to leave right now.

What if I just leave?

I can just leave.

I'm right next to the door. The door is RIGHT THERE! It's so close, it's literally right next to me.

He's not speaking. Do I leave? Can I leave?

Of course I can leave...

But will I leave?

Instead of looking at the ground, I'm looking straight at Nick. Straight (gay lol) into his eyes.
And I just can't read them at all.
I don't know what that look in his eyes is, but quite frankly, I'm not too keen on finding out if my hunch is right.

I look at the door, it's so close.

I imagine myself reaching over and pulling the handle down, slipping out, not even closing it and just darting around the corner to hide. Maybe just go home? Maybe call Wilbur?

Look at that. I'm just planning to run away again.

Every single time.

I'm just bound to run whenever I'm in this type of situation.

But at this point it doesn't matter what type of criticism I force on myself, it feels like too long since either of us have said a word and I can't handle the pressure anymore.
'I'll just leave him to think for a bit.'
That's what I tell myself, hoping I'll believe that I'm doing something for him and not making the selfish decision of leaving just because I can't handle something so small.
To make me think I'm not just running away again.

I give Sapnap one last glance before I leave, incase maybe he's had some kind of sudden epiphany like in all of those stories. And for the same reason, I didn't rush opening the door, hoping that maybe he would tell me to stop or just somehow prevent me from leaving.
And he did.
He grabbed my arm, and we just looked into eachothers eyes without a word, neither of us knew what to say. But there's more than one way to speak.
Sometimes actions mean more than words.
And he kisses me.

And that is what I imagined happening whilst I now sit here on the grubby, unsanitary floor of the staff bathroom, letting those tears fall as I think about how much of a shitty person I am for letting myself leave, for letting me being trans ruin my chance of a relationship, for relying on Sapnap who is clearly confused to stop me when it's my own responsibility.

'I wish I had stayed.'