shut up.

Little Thoughts

TW!! talks of ED
TW!! body dysmorphia
TW!! graphic talks of self harm
also a little smut

IZUKUS POV

January 31, 2022

I had some issues before. Eating ones that is, not this bad or detailed but it was still there. I remember sitting in the bathroom stall during lunch, avoiding the eyes. I didn't want people to see me eating. I felt ashamed of myself for it, like embarrassed almost.

But I don't feel embarrassed anymore. No now I feel disgusting. Like there's something about me eating specifically, not anyone else, just me.

I'm a super body positive guy, don't get me wrong. But it's different when it's your own.

I'm sure you've all over eaten or ate a bunch of junk food and felt a little guilty about it at some point. You probably thought to yourself, "man i gotta start eating better".

Well for me it's everything. Anytime I eat anything it's, "I have to stop eating." Plain
and simple, I just have to.. stop.

I obviously know it's not healthy or good for me. There's a part of my brain that mocks the other part. Like I'm a puppet and there's two hands trying to give me two different sets of directions.

I know I should just eat healthier and workout if I want to lose weight...but I don't exactly want to lose weight. I want to lose the feeling, the feeling that nothing is good enough. Like no matter what I do I'll still be in last place. No matter how much I speed up I still can't catch up to anyone. So I have to take a shortcut, but even then I get 5th place at best.

Todoroki wouldn't understand. He's 5'10 and perfect. No one would even blink an eye if he gained a few pounds. He has everything else going for him. For me this is it though. All I have going for me is the possibility of having a good body. Not that I've ever actually had one.

Sometimes I wish I could dig my fingers into my fat and just scoop it out. To scratch until my skin starts peeling off and dig everything off me. Until I left with nothing but the bones, nothing but perfection.

The sadness sometimes builds up until I just stop. I stop everything and just lay in my bed for days. When I get better it's not actually any better though. It's almost worst. I want to drown in the feeling, to never escape. Because that means now I have an excuse for all my mistakes. Maybe I'm just a pity party though.

I put my notebook back in my desk and sigh.

Todoroki stayed the night on the couch. Even though I insisted on him just sleeping in the bed. He said he "doesn't want to disrespect my boundaries". I think he just finds me gross, but what do I know.

I'm not sure what we are. Friends, boyfriends, complicated..nothing..who knows.

This morning he seemed..off. Sometimes I notice these big changes in his personality. Like maybe he's high or just not sober, for example that first night. When he took me out to eat and touched me in the bathroom. I brought it up last night and he seemed embarrassed. Like he didn't mean to do it.

It was weird, but anyways.

It's day two of my diet. My stomach hurts but Misa says that's normal. Especially when you're a beginner like me. She said once I'm
done I'll have lost between 5-10 lbs, maybe less if I'm not "truly" dedicated.

I thought even doing it in the first place was dedication. I guess I was wrong.

"Hey Izuku..Izuku?!" Todoroki's voice pulls me from my zone out.