I'm with the Band

Chapter 9: Nervous Breakdown

With the coming of Monday, the winds around campus had picked up, projecting the turmoil in my heart. The leaves had changed colours and hues of orange, red and yellow dotted the horizon, painting a dramatic water colour image wherever one looked. Halloween was fast approaching, the energy of the season reflected in the bold colours of nature. And with the changing scenery, my life as well entered a new transitional phase. I just hadn't figured out if it was for better or for worse. 

On Sunday afternoon, Leighton's manager Teddy had knocked on my door and delivered "gifts" from Leighton. Almost a little too excitedly, I opened the large bag to find a beautiful fall coat. It was a black, military style cut that fell perfectly to my knees. Large silver buttons lined the left side of the jacket, sitting in the middle of intricate grey stitching that stopped at my hips. The stitching went up and over the shoulders of the jacket giving the impression that I had joined a marching band, perhaps the black parade. The coat had a Mandarin style collar that framed my jaw line and highlighted the features of my face. The inside was lined with a light fleece, keeping my upper body perfectly warm. 

With the jacket on, I looked at myself in the mirror. It was the first time I had really stood there and acknowledged the person in the glass reflection. She was tall. She had blonde hair that fell past her shoulders. She had green eyes that were enhanced by the simplicity of the military coat. She was smiling. She looked confident. The coat had come with a little note from Leighton. The note simply said "dress as the person you want to be. Dress for no one but yourself." I held the note close to my heart as I stared at myself in the mirror. I was convinced he and Sierra were privately talking because that is exactly the kind of attitude she had projected onto me. I could practically hear her voice recite the words to me. 

I couldn't believe what difference a simple jacket had made in my heart. When I looked at myself in the mirror I saw a person I always wanted to be, beautiful on both the inside and out. The jacket wasn't flashy by any means nor did I feel like it was too much. It was the perfect amount of different that I had been lacking in my life. A casual change to the mundane, to kickstart my positive outcome once again. Perhaps it was my ticket to unlocking the freedom I so desperately craved. 

Just before Teddy had left, he told me Leighton would be waiting for me at the front of the campus, close to where he had kidnapped me in the black van to talk. I nodded to Teddy and thanked him as I watched him awkwardly look around the hallways to try to find his way out of my dorm building. How this poor, timid man managed to control a band like Kill Klub still has me absolutely flabbergasted. 

It was now Monday morning and I found myself to be a nervous wreck. I slipped on my everyday black jeans and looked around my room. The military coat that Leighton had given me was waiting on my computer chair. I picked up a black T-shirt but then stopped. I was going to dress for the person I wanted to be. I went to my closet and reached into the very back, pulling out a black cropped long sleeve with lacing at the ribs. The shirt still had its tags on. I had purchased it years ago when I was with Danny but was too afraid to wear it around him in case there would be consequences. There was no longer a fear of consequences. I just wanted to be myself. 

I pulled the shirt over my head and ripped the tags from the side seam. I grabbed the military coat and put it on, loving the feeling of the fleece on my exposed back. Without giving a second thought I lined my eyes with a black eyeliner, accentuating the colour of my eyes and deepening my pale white completion. I slipped on my platform docs, the shoes I had worn when I met Leighton and looked in the mirror one last time. 

I smiled nervously and the reflection smiled back at me. 

I was ready. 

I slipped out the side door and walked through the empty parking lot, the one where Ashleigh and the girls had shoved me in the dumpster. I tried not to acknowledge the metal container as I wedged myself through a small shortcut between two buildings and emerged onto the sidewalk outside the front entrance. My heart was beating fast, and when I saw Leighton, my heart threatened to bounce right the fuck out of my chest.